So here we are...over a year later.
10 years ago
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Jealousy
Now more than ever I have these awful thoughts running through my head far too often and I hate it. I see so many straight couples on Facebook, people I went to school with who are expecting and most who I'm sure weren't trying. It makes me so mad to see people who I don't even feel like are as prepared as Jamie and I getting pregnant. And I just know in my jealous mind that they didn't even want a baby. I just know it, but because they're straight all they have to do is be careless when they have sex and there it is. A baby. What we've been trying so hard for and they just have to have a moment of release. I can't imagine how much this frustrates Jamie who wakes up at 6am and temps and charts and obsesses over her cycle and pees on sticks and hopes to catch the surge and we both have to worry about making the situation work smoothly with a donor. This is just something that I need to get out and I can't say this to all the people who are pregnant because, although there may be a lot who have really just had their happy mistakes, it would offend. We just need this try to work or I'll think about all these things over and over and be more upset :/
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It's so great to read such an honest blog, because I feel like you two say the exact things I've been thinking for far too long.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend just got pregnant a month after stopping birth control and although I want to be happy for her, I'm not, I'm jealous and I hate myself for feeling this way. Another friend who is pregnant, invited me to her baby shower, but I don't even think I can go without having a emotional meltdown. This is hard and after six failed medicated IUI's and $20,000 in medical bills, I'm at my breaking point. We're moving on to IVF now, using my partner's eggs, which is so hard to accept for me, because it wasn't supposed to be this way.
I hope you get your BFP soon!!!
You aren't the first person to feel this way and I promise you aren't alone in it. I think we have all felt that way at some point. I know I did. I resented my sister her three babies. She was careless and drunk all three times she got pregnant. She has a deadbeat baby daddy. She's a young, immature, and usually irresponsible mom. Believe me, your feelings are not unjustified and they aren't unfounded. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThank you guys so much for the support. I think Jamie and I both know this is the only place we can really vent our true feelings other than to each other. It's just so hard to want something so badly and watch other people stumble across it on accident, but I know that our baby will be so loved and so appreciated and there will never be a moment of regret so that makes me want to push through with it :)
ReplyDeleteMy wife and I know exactly how you feel! I notice those thoughts tend to come more during the TWW. Good luck this cycle!
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