Almost Surreal

It is almost...to be writing this post. I may just save it as a Draft for a few more days until I can wake up from this dreamland.

Who knew how quickly this would all happen after switching donors? Not me, I was prepared for 3 more tries and then we'd still be in limbo...

At the time of me writing this it has been four whole days since we saw the very first faint second line. We weren't expecting to see anything on that cheapy internet test. Then the next morning (10dpo mind you) we whipped out the fancy first response test...sure enough a more visible second line. We decided to go in for a blood draw to see just how far along I am. On Wednesday I called for results, HCG 22 Progesterone 34. I read somewhere on the trusty interwebs that 10dpo average HCG is 15...so we are on track there & the nurse said they like to see progesterone above 20...so perfect there :)

Of course we have kept testing to see if the line is getting darker, now at 14dpo the second line is almost as dark as the control.

I have been crampy and I feel like my boobs have started to explode. I had fairly good size neens to begin with, now they are just like boom...sports bras don't even hold 'em back. I am just now 4 weeks...uh oh! I have also had horrible congestion...like shove tissues up my nose all day just to catch the snots...that is slowly going away. I read somewhere that a cold is a good thing. It means my immune system was down, so that implantation could happen easier!! I will definitely take a cold if that means this bean is going to have an easier time making it's little home :)

I am so nervous about our second blood draw on Tuesday. I am excited, but I have lots of "what ifs." I guess that's normal? I keep telling myself everything is fine as long as I don't see red.

Also, I kept tracking my temps after our first BFP. It kept climbing to 98...then one day it dropped .7. I freaked out. Then Court was reading about it online and said I most likely slept with my mouth open all night (due to the stopped up noseypoo) & that could've cause the drop. I decided that was a good enough reason and resolved to temp one more morning to make sure it was just a fluke, sure enough the next day it was 98.1! Back on track and the thermometer has been put away!

We are cautiously excited. We told my aunt Carol, parents and siblings...I initially just wanted to tell my parents and Carol only, but then thought 'if something happens they will know, might as well tell them now...' We are keeping it pretty quiet from everyone else for a while longer. Of course, except for my trusty blogland friends, and the Rainbow Families group on Facebook :)

For now, I will take all the sticky baby vibes I can get!! Let's make sure this is a good home for the next 9 months :) We feel great about things so far, hopefully the numbers are just as great on Tuesday. Then the next week, then the next......

P.S. tell me it is totally normal to ALREADY want to wear yoga pants all day every day. I feel so bloated...and big...let me reiterate, 4 weeks. I have 36 to go! Shewww, I'm ready!!

Jealousy

Now more than ever I have these awful thoughts running through my head far too often and I hate it. I see so many straight couples on Facebook, people I went to school with who are expecting and most who I'm sure weren't trying. It makes me so mad to see people who I don't even feel like are as prepared as Jamie and I getting pregnant. And I just know in my jealous mind that they didn't even want a baby. I just know it, but because they're straight all they have to do is be careless when they have sex and there it is. A baby. What we've been trying so hard for and they just have to have a moment of release. I can't imagine how much this frustrates Jamie who wakes up at 6am and temps and charts and obsesses over her cycle and pees on sticks and hopes to catch the surge and we both have to worry about making the situation work smoothly with a donor. This is just something that I need to get out and I can't say this to all the people who are pregnant because, although there may be a lot who have really just had their happy mistakes, it would offend. We just need this try to work or I'll think about all these things over and over and be more upset :/

My Brain is Melting

So after much conversing with our donors and amending our contract we finally reached a reasonable conclusion about everything and decided to go forward with our new KD who lives MUCH closer to us. I mean.. not extremely close, but we can drive there in less than 2 hours. We figured Jamie would ovulate either early next week or Sunday so we would go down to our donor then and do our insem as quickly as we could and head back up home afterwards, BUT as luck would have it things went differently. Saturday morning I couldn't get her to POAS fast enough. She had used the potty earlier that morning so we had our morning coffee and caught up on some shows. Jamie still wanted to wait a bit because she really didn't have to use the bathroom when I told her to, but I was insistent so we went ahead and did it. I was in the office, on the other side of the house, when I heard her yelling from the bathroom and I knew she got a smiley face. I immediately texted our donor and made arrangements to stay in Chattanooga Saturday night so we could insem Saturday evening and Sunday morning, which is exactly what we did. I don't think our timing could have been any more perfect. Absolutely great timing and we had the freshest of fresh swimmers for this try. I mean it really can't get any better for us.

As if that doesn't sound great enough...it gets even better. If this try works the due date will be in early November which will be right around Jamie's grandmother's birthday. We also would find out the sex not terribly long after my birthday and it would have a two month old cousin to be bestest friends with! Now here comes the shocker and is what I'm definitely taking as a sign that our stars are aligning and the universe is about to throw a bunch of good karma our way. My mom and dad met up with Jamie and I on Sunday for a lunch/snack. My parents have been very opposed to me being gay and have NEVER met a significant other of mine. But I still contacted my mother and let her know we would be in town and, surprisingly enough, she agreed to meet with us. We had some food and talked for two hours about work and school and this and that. None of it seemed forced and my mom directly addressed Jamie, as did my dad, and told her it was nice to meet her and everything. Hopefully this is the beginning of something good to come.

SO we are set to test around the 27th of this month and hopefully we will see two big, pink lines on that little stick and we can start getting ready for our little miracle :)

Here we go!!!

What a pretty little smiley face :)

I knew this was going to be a Roller Coaster

I just didn't know how many twists and turns this ride was going to take.

Might as well settle in for this one. It is a mush of random thoughts and emotions. Apologies in advance.

Our first KD got some not so great news back about his spermies. I don't have all the details, but I do know he had to go in to meet with his doctor. We all know mostly good news is shared via phone or voicemail...nothing excellent comes from an extra visit to sit down and chat.

Two days ago, I emailed Stacey (KD) about the other offer we had from Courtney's good friend. I was terrified that email would just crush our friendship somehow...because that's how my brain works. I go from good to catastrophe within minutes. Of course, he agreed with our ideas...that our new KD would probably be a better choice for now. Great...now we just move forward. Right?

Wait. Not so fast. We need a Donor Contract now. Why? Because our new KD is married. This could be a disaster...if we don't take the right steps. So we draw one up with the understanding that it isn't legally binding and we will still need a lawyer before a baby is birthed. Ok cool. Easy enough, the internet works wonders these days. Wait...his wife has an issue with the whole "if we die what happens to her husband's sperm child?" She wants our baby(ies) if we die. We can't let that happen. Not with my close-knit family. No Way.

......Great. There goes our other KD, now we have to move on to sperm banks and start spending hundreds of dollars each month on a vial no bigger than my pinky. We will try for months and still not be successful, then we decide to stop spending money all the time and maybe consider fostering? Maybe fostering will lead to adoption? But I can't bare the thought of fostering a child right now...not with this overwhelming need to bare a child. I would lose it the second that baby/child were taken from us to go back to his/her family...deep down I'd know that is ultimately what's best for them, but what about us? Surely we aren't too selfish in wanting our own family. I'm not too selfish to want to carry a child. Am I? Fostering isn't right for us right now, maybe probably in the future it will be. Adoption is much too expensive for us right now. So...

Then my brother and sister in law have made it to the 12 week mark and decide its time to post the news on Facebook. I follow suit and post a happy Aunt post, pretending to be super happy...because I am. I am happy for them. I am and I am so ready to be a part of that little one's life, but I am sad right now. Sad that I may only ever be an aunt. I may never know what its like to be a mom. & I am jealous. I hate how easy it was for them...their happy accident. Now I'm angry at myself for being this jealous person again. Its just not fair.

I'm talking to Mom about videos of us dancing to One Direction on Just Dance 4...everything is fine. I'm calm. I am forgetting that I was upset when she called. We are chatting about whatever else, I am halfway listening...& there is something about talking to your mom, your best friend, that makes it be ok to be vulnerable. I don't cry normally. But I lose it. I have a breakdown on the phone with my mom. I know everyone is so excited about the new baby...they have been since Christmas, I know this. Its just a constant reminder I'm not pregnant. Nobody understands. How could they? I feel so selfish losing control of my emotions. I hate it...I'm usually collected. I don't cry. I feel like everything is falling apart, Courtney and I are becoming strained because of this stupid roller coaster, and I can't figure out how to voice my feelings to her in an emotion other than anger. I am upset about only ever being an aunt. That's not what my life is meant to be. I know it. Mom calms me down, but she is only saying words I've heard before...she doesn't understand. How could she? She had 5 pregnancies. 4 kids. It seemed her and Dad just had to look at each other and 9 months later a new baby popped out. We have been at this for 7 months now...3 negatives & now a we are out of KD options...and we don't have thousands of dollars to spend on tiny vials of sperm....

Good to Catastrophe within minutes. See?

Hold on, in the midst of my tears Courtney gets and email. New KD and wife have a suggestion. A last case scenario situation...Ok...we can amend the contract to include that IF we both die, and IF my entire immediate family is unable to care for the kid, THEN and only then will they assume custody. We may be crazy. I realize that. This could work. We agree to amend the contract. This works for others it can work for us.

The tears start to dry and my nose is all puffy, but we are back. We are back to our new KD. We have a new plan. We all agree to this new plan...my anxiety levels are back to pre-catastrophe stage.

Now what? We print the contract we ALL sign it, and then we start trying.

When do we start trying? They are ready to start when we are. Awesome!! That means next week most likely...start POAS....again. Wait again. I am ok with waiting again. At least we have our plan...and they have agreed to help us until there is a tiny in my belly. I can breathe easy now.

This is going to be one hell of a story one day. "Momma, where do babies come from?" "You, my child... You are the most special baby ever...go get the blanket and let me tell you a story." I can't wait.

Engagement Pictures

While I am waiting to wait again I thought I'd post a random blog...

Remember a while back when I told you about our photographer friend who wanted to use us to expand her portfolio? Well she outdid herself! I love how all of our pictures turned out...we had a blast & we have every intention of hiring her for real when it comes to more pictures :)

I am really excited to get some of these cutesies framed and put up...the walls are so BARE in our house. I thought I'd share a couple with you guys :)

   

18 DPO

or CD3. whatever.

Yeahhh another stinky BFN. I was disappointed...but I can't stay disappointed. We have to keep our heads up and keep moving forward. That's that.

Our KD has made an appointment for tomorrow to get things checked out on his end. Maybe he has a low count or low motility? We should know something by the end of the week. Depending on the results we either: 1. Have me checked out (if his results come back normal) & then go from there. 2. Move on to February armed with a better timing plan...wait for the dang smiley, no more jumping the gun. 3. Move on to our other -more local- KD. I really really want things to work out with KD#1...I know I've said before that's the most ideal plan...but I also wanted to have a baby while I was 25. That plan is slowly fading too. I still consider us lucky to pretty much have our choice of FREE baby making materials. It will work when our stars line up and the universe is ready to give us our baby. I know that.

We found out yesterday a couple of people we know locally are trying to start a family too!! This is so so so exciting :) We have been trying to find a couple like us on this roller coaster to better relate to. I know we have a great support system, but try as they might no straight couple will ever understand what it takes for us to bring home a baby. So having another gay couple right in our own hometown is going to be a wonderful thing. We plan to meet up next week to chat about our methods, disappointments and all things baby :) I can't wait!

For now, we have a busy little week ahead of us. Our friends' daughter's 4th birthday celebration is this evening. Tomorrow Mom and I are going to get supplies for our camping adventure this weekend and Courtney has class. Wednesday I'm going to prenatal yoga with my sister in law (I am officially crazy I think). Courtney has class and I will be vegging out on the couch Thursday. Mom and I leave for Girl Scout camp Friday afternoon. --we go every year with a small group of girls (from our old troop) and our moms to kind of catch up on each others lives...its always a good time!!-- I don't know what Courtney is going to get into this weekend...maybe she will move some furniture around ;)

That's about all there is to catch up on now.