I realize I never took the time to write down my emotions from the day we met Sophia. I want to take a few minutes to do that. I feel like that is an important part of a person's life...their grand entrance into this world. It is also something that Court and I both don't really know much about from our own births. So sit back and relax...and read my story :)
It was a Wednesday afternoon, my weekly OB appointment was at 1:00p.m. Things were still slowly very slowly progressing. I think I was between 1 & 2 cm and fully effaced. Dr. E performed a thorough membrane sweep and was confident that doing so would likely speed the whole process up later that evening. She mentioned there would certainly be a baby before my next appointment the following week...that's when I started to cry. I was SO ready to meet this baby, that's the major downfall of someone giving you a "due date" you are expecting it to mean something real. When you go beyond that date it is hard to keep your wits about you and remain calm and know it is OK, in fact it is normal. So, Courtney and I had talked about induction before this appointment...I really really wanted to avoid being induced because I read the rate of interventions was much higher with inductions. Wanting a natural, intervention free birth, I was practically terrified of being induced. This Wednesday was 40 weeks 5 days. I had also read about the risks of going too far past the estimated due date, meconium in the amniotic fluids, slowing growth rates, stressed heart rates...I was nervous about all that too. I think going into the appointment I was OK with waiting until a solid 41 weeks, but something happened while we were there and I just could not keep myself together emotionally anymore. I just cried.
Courtney is the one who brought up the induction. I think she knew I was too afraid to ask myself and that I also felt like I needed to met Sophia sooner than later. I think she also knew I wanted to avoid induction so much that I felt like a failure when I started to cry. I knew in all my reading 42 weeks for a first time birth was totally normal, but I let my emotions and fears get the better of me. Dr. E talked about some different induction methods we could try. The first one she suggested was for us to come to the hospital that night around 8 and have Cervidil inserted at my cervix to induce dilation (she told us only 20% of women go into labor with Cervidil alone). After the Cervidil did its job overnight they would check to see how dilated I was and most likely begin Pitocin to bring on contractions. She warned us that the Cervidil may not work and we may just go home Thursday morning and wait it out. She reminded us that she performed the membrane sweep and that will likely help through the night. She knew our wishes for a natural birth and that I wanted to avoid induction. But I was just ready. We decided to go with the Cervidil.
We left the appointment nervous, excited, scared, mostly almost relieved. We had a plan, I am a huge planner, so this was nice. I decided to go back to work and let my boss know what our plan was and then head home. It was weird packing our bags and getting the house ready for us to leave for a few days. I ate some pineapple, bounced on an exercise ball, we went for a short walk, I can't remember what we talked about really. I noticed contractions on and off, but just thought they were the Braxton Hicks I'd been experiencing for weeks. My brother called me to chat before we headed out the door. It was really really great to hear from him. My niece was born just 3 months before and things had been rocky between us for so so long, I think it was very healing for me to talk to him even if the conversation was short. He reminded me it was kind of nice that we weren't in any big rush to get to the hospital. I told him we would keep him updated as much as possible through the night, but likely things wouldn't start until the next day.
We headed out to the hospital with our bucket of Halloween candy as a bribe for the nursing staff. Dr. E advised us to eat dinner as usual because the Cervidil would just be an overnight thing and I would be able to sleep with it. We stopped at Subway. Let me tell you in hindsight...that was the worst decision aside from being induced. We arrived at the hospital minutes before 8:00p.m. and my mom met us as we were being checked in. We all went up to the room, again it was all so weird. I didn't feel like I needed to be at the hospital without being in labor. They hooked me up to some monitors and started a IV without anything attached, just procedure to have the needle in place. I was having pretty steady contractions, but I couldn't feel anything. Looking back, that should have been a sign...that my body WAS doing something all on its own. I didn't even need to be there yet.
The nurse started the Cervidil right around 9:00p.m. We all tried to relax, Court opened the sofabed and Mom sat in the recliner because she wasn't feeling well. We were all going to get some rest because we knew Thursday was going to be a long day. Mom ended up getting sick and then was able to rest a bit, sitting in the recliner. Courtney was relaxing in the sofa bed and I was trying to get comfortable in the hospital bed, with all the monitors hooked up. I felt sick to my stomach...so I had to go to the bathroom...again looking back and knowing what I know about labor know, releasing my bowels was a definite sign that my body was already trying on its own to progress. I started noticing some cramping, but assumed it was just an upset stomach after the Subway. I was able to sleep a bit after that until about 1:00 a.m. when I realized the "stomach cramps" were contractions. Oh, I get it now...the Cervidil must be doing what its supposed to - causing my cervix to dilate. I tried to change positions in bed to get more comfortable and try to rest, but it was impossible. I decided I needed to get out of bed and try something different. I sat on the exercise ball and rocked...that helped some. The nurse came in to check on me and baby and she lightly mentioned that there may be a point during labor that she will call out some instructions and it was important that I follow her instructions in the moment and she would be sure to explain what was happening if/when she was instructing me. She said she noticed while I was sitting on the ball and rocking that we lost track of Sophia's heartbeat, so she was just watching that closely and wanted to be sure we were all on the same page to make sure she and I stayed safe.
By this point, I was really nauseous with the pain and I threw up with every contraction. They asked if I wanted to take something for the nausea, I agreed that would be nice. So they gave me Zofran, which I promptly threw up. I realized I wasn't going to have relief from the nausea or vomiting and that was OK. I also realized I was in very active labor at this point. I was one of the 20% Dr. E mentioned. The Cervidil has jump started what was already happening in my body, and made labor so much worse. Looking back again, this could very well have been the beginning of transition. Knowledge really is power and if we had a Doula or been more educated ourselves, we would have recognized this. I also think at this point because my body was in active labor, the nurses should have removed the Cervidil, maybe my labor would have progressed at a more manageable rate if so?
The time line is scattered to me from here until we met Sophia, but I'll try my best to remember.
It was around 3:30a.m. when I was in so much pain I couldn't keep my eyes open, I was shaking uncontrollably - even though I wasn't cold, I continued to throw up, and the contractions were coming one after the other - with little to no break in between. At some point, they asked if I wanted something for the pain and I said yes, but I didn't want an epidural. They gave me something that didn't even phase the pain. I agreed to having the epidural when I realized I just couldn't manage the pain. They checked my progress, I was only 3-4cm dilated. It seemed to take at least an hour for the Anesthesiologist to get there, I'm told it was less than 10 minutes. When he arrived I was already sitting on the side of the bed, he asked me to remain still and to let him know when a contraction was ending so he could try to do the epidural between contractions. I told him one was ending and before I could finish my sentence another one was coming. The nurse had me lay on my left side to help the epidural settle I thought I was able to rest for a little bit, but really the epidural caused my blood pressure to plummet, and I was actually losing consciousness. Then she told me to switch to my right side. I was laying on my right side for less than a few minutes when I barely heard the nurse saying for me to go back to my left side, the baby's heart rate was dropping very low. I could hear Sophia's heart rate on the monitor, her normal 160 bpm had dropped to nearly half that. I was scared. I was in and out of awareness. I was listening as closely as I could to the nurse. This nurse was new to this hospital, but she mentioned that where she used to work, they always took the Cervidil out when the epidural was administered. Being new she asked another nurse what their protocol was and they had never heard of taking the Cervidil out, so they said to leave it. When my blood pressure was staying dangerously low and Sophia's heart rate kept falling, they gave me something like an Adrenalin shot to get my BP back up to normal and bring Sophia's heart rate back, that only helped a little. I saw Courtney putting her shoes on and I just knew we were heading to the operating room. I was so disappointed in myself in this moment, this isn't at all how I wanted to remember my birth experience. None of this is right. Our nurse decided she needed to go against what the other nurse told her and she removed the Cervidil after trying multiple different positions to keep Sophia's heart rate up and giving me oxygen weren't working.
As soon as she removed the Cervidil, things began to calm down. My blood pressure and Sophia's heart rate stabilized and it is at this point that I can start to remember events more clearly. It was sometime before 5:00a.m. that Dr. E broke my water and noticed meconium in the fluids, we knew this was possible, and a doctor from the NICU would be called in to check Sophia as soon as she was born. We decided we would call our birth photographer to let her know how we were progressing, since the nurses said it typically takes about an hour to dilate one cm...I was about a 5-6 so we guessed we would be having a mid-morning/lunchtime baby. There would be plenty of time for her to get here from two hours away. A little before 7:00a.m. Dr. E came back to check on me and I was fully dilated and at this point we were waiting for shift change...I didn't feel any urges to push yet. My aunt rushed to be there in time. I think she got there right after 7:00a.m.? My dad got there and stayed on the other side of the curtain and a few close friends were waiting in the hall. Alex wasn't there yet, but I was feeling urges to push, it was around 7:20a.m. They asked if I wanted e a mirror to aide with pushing, I thought that was a great idea. It really helped to be able to see what I was doing since I could only feel some pressure after the epidural. Courtney was sure we were having an alien the way Sophia's head looked as she was crowning all wrinkly and waxy. I pushed for a little over 30 minutes, and I had a minor tare that require one suture. Sophia was born at 7:56a.m. I do remember that very clearly. Less than 8 hours of labor. Alex later told us she heard her crying as she stepped out of the elevator. She weighed 6lbs 9oz and she was 20.5 inches long. A tiny little thing. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck which partly explained why we kept losing her heart rate so much, the NICU doctor performed her evaluation and Sophia was breathing perfectly, she was pink and crying, and very very alert. Courtney was finally able to give her to me after they did all their assessing, and shortly after we started our breastfeeding journey.
It was not at all what we had planned. Far from it. I read countless birth stories while I was pregnant. Story after story I read about women feeling empowered, strong, beautiful. I didn't feel any of that when I held Sophia for the first time. I honestly felt like I let her down. That I let everyone around me down. While I was able to give birth vaginally, a part of me mourns the natural, intervention free birth I so wanted. I still feel guilty and selfish because I chose to induce labor and in turn put both of us in danger. We are lucky we had our nurse that night, and that she was able to monitor us carefully. There will always be some regret surrounding Sophia's birth and I feel so badly about that. I try to compensate by saying it was the right thing to do because the cord was wrapped around her neck, or she had meconium in her fluids...and we needed to get her out, but ultimately I think she would have come out healthy and on her own, possibly even that night when I look at all the signs of impending labor throughout the night.
I am, however, grateful for this birth story because I learned so very much. I am also more than ready to have a redeeming birth later in my life. I am also able to advocate against being induced as long as Momma and baby remain healthy, for that I am thankful. Maybe sharing my story will help educate others.
So here we are...over a year later.
10 years ago
