Apparently that's what my parents think. Obviously this is Courtney typing because Jamie's parents are awesome. We had a little encounter with my parents recently and we thought finally the tides are turning and they're seeing that it's not that terrible to just be nice to a person... so clearly I decided to ask my mother if we could meet up again since we would be in the area this weekend. She commenced to tell me that our meeting was a one time thing because they were "desperate" from not having seen me in so long and that they "hoped I wouldn't get the wrong idea". How else were we supposed to take that? I don't know why, but for some reason my parents seem to think that if they're even remotely decent to a gay person other than myself that Jesus will notice and condemn them straight to hell. I don't understand their logic and probably never will because I'm not an idiot. I realize that sounds mean to say about my parents, but well.. they're ridiculous. I also am not allowed to see my nephew unless I'm alone either. Apparently bringing Jamie around will give me the impression that it's "ok to be gay". I don't know how many times I have to tell my parents that if they're nice to us that doesn't mean that I think they've changed their beliefs. It simply means that they decided to be nice for once. I don't know what bible they're reading or what they're being told at church, because I know plenty of devout Christians who are more than nice to me and all other gays because you are supposed to be kind to people. My family, on the other hand, has some sort of dark fantasy about what will happen if they were to be kind to a homosexual. I just don't understand and I don't know where to go anymore with this. Do I just finally give up? I honestly don't feel like they care anyways.
My mom can go weeks without talking to me and my dad can go even longer. Hell, if I died today they probably wouldn't find out for a good while unless they were contacted by someone. I understand that it can sound just as bad that I don't contact them, but I am their child and I thought that love was supposed to be unconditional. Especially now that Jamie is pregnant. Even with absolutely no biological tie to the baby(ies) in Jamie's womb, they are my children or it is my child. (I'm just going to say they now because it's probably twins and it's easier to type just the one thing). The person I love the most in this entire universe is carrying those babies and they are ours and they are already the most special and important and amazing things I will ever have. I love them so terribly much and I could NEVER imagine hurting them like this. They aren't even here yet and I already feel that I love them more than my parents love me. I would kill for them. I'd do anything to make them truly happy. How can you not feel that way as a parent?
I guess that's something I'll never figure out...
So here we are...over a year later.
9 years ago
I am so sorry that your parents can see the amazing people in front of them. I am sorry that they are so scared that they can't just look past their own ignorance and see the beautiful family you are and the one you are about to become.
ReplyDeleteHere's what we have come to realize after going through similar things with my wife's extended family. It's one thing when people turn away from us or distance us because we are gay. Now that we have our daughter we refuse to allow her to get close to family who will pick and choose when they want to love her. We will not allow her to feel that pain, especially when there is so much family and so many friends who will love her unconditionally. It makes us so sad to make that decision, but now it's all about her. All about her feeling good about herself and knowing she is loved with no conditions attached.
It made me so sad to read your post because I know how it rips your heart out. Take comfort in the family that loves you as a family because they will be the ones who embrace your child or children in the same way they have embraced you. They have earned that right. Hang in there.
That is just so terrible. I'm sorry that you're facing such ignorance and hurt from the people who are supposed to care for you the most.
ReplyDeleteYou are creating a family that will be full of love and joy. I hope your parents come to see that in time too.
I'm in a similar situation with my own family and Jessica is right: you have your own children to protect now. And honestly it's about your parents and not you. They are the ones that need to come to terms with this-and that may never happen. For me, I got tired of trying to convince everyone I was "normal" and I let them come to terms on thier own. Some of my family ( my brother) still haven't and never will. Does it suck? Yes, but you need to be surrounded by people and family (blood or not) that acknowledge your worth as a person and what a special family you are building. It is true, "Some people can be in your heart but not in your life". Don't let anyone take the joy out of this moment for you and your girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are in this situation. My mom was like that too and it took some time for her to finally realize I was the "same" person and not different. I agree now you have children to protect. While we may never understand why somethings happen we have to keep going. You are in my thoughts I know this is hard.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie, you are not alone. The church told my father that he would send himself and his entire family in his house to hell by allowing me to step foot in their home. He didn't speak to me for 6 years. I'm sorry you have to go through that, I can understand how you feel. Sadness, anger, hurt, none of those words begin to compare to the actual feelings I felt during that time. My father chose to leave the church and he still doesn't agree with our 'lifestyle' but he loves us and our daughter. I will send you some positive vibes that someday your parents will come around too! It's the best feeling in the world. I'm so sorry you are going through something so sad during such a beautiful time in your life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. It does make me sad to think that I'll have to choose to leave my family out of our children's lives, but that's exactly what I was thinking today. I can't allow them to treat our babies like they do me. We have so many other wonderful people who will love our babies a ton :)
ReplyDeleteI realized that if I allowed my daughter to be around people who actively discriminated against her mama or I in our personal lives, I was teaching her that it's okay to treat people like that. So, when it comes to family and relatives, we have been pretty lucky, but for those who aren't accepting and have extreme views, we just tend to avoid them. It's unfortunate, but in the end, it's their loss and it may not feel like it now, but you will find love to compensate for any hatred and intolerance in the first smile from your kiddo.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you are going through. My DW has an amazing loving family, but my mom and step dad not so much. We went more that 3 years not talking because they stopped the contact (because I am gay). That was years ago and my mom has come around a little... not my stepfather. He has never even met DW. It kills me. DW has given me a lot of tolerance around this subject because I had a hard time not having my mom in my life. I have to defend her still on occasion, and much like you my family doesn't seem to have as much of a problem with me being gay but DW FORGET it. As if she caused my "illness” I was with another woman for 3 years prior so I think not. I know I am babbling now but. When it comes to babies I have made it all to clear it is one strike and you are out! I spoke very frankly with my mom and told her if I ever feel she is not kind to my children (bio or not) that will be the end. I also made it clear if she makes any comments or gestures regarding our relationship or "lifestyle" it is over. I was sure to be blunt in as polite a way as I could. I also said no step father if he is not all in. My mom is excited about ME trying to conceive and I hope it remains the same when one day I hope to carry DW's lo.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get through this and enjoy the time you are in now. When babies come people change, so they say. My advice you don’t have to end contact all together unless you are ready, but YOU can control the when and how from now on and always give yourself and easy way out. Be honest and straightforward so no one can say I didn’t think this… Then let happen what will happen and be a good mama bear and do what your instincts are telling you. Best of luck!
Wow--I went on a blog hiatus and you guys went and got reallyreally pregnant! Congrats about a million times! And I'm so sorry to hear about your family. It's possible that they'll change their minds when they hear about/meet the babies, and that will be hard in its own way if it happens. In the meantime, I'd write them off until they come around more--your mom needing to get a quick hit in to make sure she can go on being cruel isn't a good enough reason to visit. I hope that they find a spiritual leader who can help them realize how absolutely contrary to Christianity this kind of action is, but until then everyone is right that you need to protect these babies, and yourself. Huge hugs!
ReplyDeleteMy family has similar views. Fortunately, they have come around and have adopted the "hate the sin, love the sinner" attitude. They love me and my wife, and now our son, and we just don't talk about us being gay. I hope that your parents realize that they won't disappoint God by being nice to you or other gay people...it's sad that people think that way! But, as you said, focus on surrounding yourself with people who love you and will love your babies. :)
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