12DPO

Might as well make a 12dpo post, right?

There really isn't much to report today other than the fact that I poured my coffee out this morning because it was making me sick. Also I only had a small cup yesterday because of the same reason. It's probably just the progesterone creeping up. Oh & my boobs are sore now...I was just waiting for that to happen. 

We had a nice relaxing weekend with family in a cozy cabin...(picture 9 people in a one bedroom cabin) good thing we all like each other :) I forgot my thermometer so I missed two days of temping :( whoops!!

I am sad to say I am not feeling as confident as I was at the beginning of this try. I don't know why...maybe its intuition or maybe its my way of guarding myself from a possible BFN? Courtney is still very hopeful which is great because one of us needs to be!! I just can't let myself get my hopes up and then be really let down.

I think tomorrow morning's temperature will be my deciding factor. If it goes up, I think I will be a little more hopeful...of course if it goes down, I'll be preparing myself for AF within a day or two.

I am hoping to be surprised tomorrow!! Otherwise, onwards and upwards!

*baby dust*

8 DPO

Well, guys this progesterone really doesn't have too many side effects on me. I am noticing that I am really pretty tired in the evenings, but normal progesterone from my body will do that too. I have noticed very small cramps more localized to my right side (I keep thinking if the progesterone supplements would cause cramping it would be my entire lower abdomen) I could be wrong. I have also noticed I am sweating more in the night...I don't know if that was one of the side effects or not, but it probably is. Still not bothersome.

Usually by this time my boobs are super sore, or at the very least starting to get sore. I was sure these supplements would cause that pain to double...but I don't have any soreness at all. That's a bit strange (&&& maybe good - shhhhh!!)

I haven't noticed any crazy mood swings either...I have been snippy, but that's pretty typical the week before AF for me anyway.

Here I was psyching myself out for all these intense side effects of the P-Monster...and I am experiencing pretty much NONE of them. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy I am pretty much sailing through this process...but I think maybe I was hoping for the side effects to help me know it was "working."

I am happy to be able to get away for part of this weekend with my family in the mountains. We had some gorgeous snow yesterday afternoon...well it was gorgeous once I was FINALLY safely home. It was a nightmare driving the 6.7 miles home. ***People in the South have no idea how to drive in the snow...and I think the snow driving section of driver's ed was just completely skipped over for most part. I have lived here my entire life, but I also had very smart driving teachers...not even just my driver's ed teacher, but Mom and Dad and Carol.***

Anyway, getting away for a couple days will take our minds off the TWW for a bit, and maybe help time pass :) We aren't testing until next Friday (or so we say)...since I Od later that pushed my AF start date back a little bit too, so we have a whole WEEK left. BLAHH!

Wish us luck and baby dust :)

4 DPO

& I just feel fat.

I hate this part of the cycle regardless of TTC or not. The natural surge of progesterone just makes me super bloated and constipated and blah. You're welcome, I know you all wanted to know I can't poo.

At the advice of a trusty follower, Courtney and I bought a puzzle...not just any puzzle a 2000 (!!!!!) piece puzzle. Of course we couldn't just get any 2000 piece puzzle, we had to get "Starry Night" I have always loved that painting...so why not? We even bought some puzzle glue stuff to preserve it when we finish it! I think we may start on it this evening. The dining room table is ready for us to get started!

Like the title says, I am 4dpo today. FF tried to say I was 3dpo today...but I went ahead and manually changed that business to the correct day. My temp was the lowest, I had ovulation cramps, and all the other lovely signs Thursday, nothing on Friday (but because my temperature took a day to make that spike, FF decided I didn't actually ovulate til Friday. This is the closest timing we've had for an insem. out of all 3...just two days early, let's hope that's all the difference we needed to get a sticky bean! I started taking my progesterone supplements last night...it tastes horrible. It is a liquid and I have to take 5 drops every AM & PM. gross.

So in a couple of days when I start to notice "symptoms," I can just attribute them all to the nasty progesterone supplements. For now, I am sitting at my desk with my pants undone so I'm not suffocating.

Keep sending us that BABY DUST!!!!

Who's Ready for Another TWW?!

Not. Me.

Just kidding, I am incredibly excited/anxious/nervous/ready/happy to be here again. Well, not that we are technically 'here' yet, but we will be officially tomorrow - Ready or not!

Our KD shipped out yesterday afternoon, so it should be arriving any minute now at the house. I told Courtney she had to wear clothes "to work" today. Lucky butt works from home, so she is super comfy most days!

My mom is just the cutest. I know I've said it before and will until I can no more. Last night she surprised us with a visit and a nice cozy blanket with a super cute Christmas onesie wrapped up inside it. She thought it would be nice to have for today! & a little something for the little something we ARE going to make :)...she is so great :) Carol sent along some coupons for Buy Buy Baby with her. That store is going to be trouble.

Today is CD18...I still haven't gotten the smiley on the digital OPK, but my temp dropped for two days in a row & then rose slightly this morning. In past months, that is EXACTLY what happens when I am going to ovulate. I am confident in our timing, and I am sure that smiley is just hours away now. (All other signs are a go, too!)

I went for acupuncture this past Saturday. It was all relaxing and calming, and informative. I am glad I went and will most likely be back soon. He did give me some progesterone to take, either after O or after a +hpt. I could choose which I felt more comfortable with. After some research and endless questioning from all my different sources, I have decided to go ahead with it 3dpo...until testing day which should be January 22. (I wouldn't be able to wait for AF, because if progesterone does its job it will suppress AF). I have been warned about the side effects and how they are nearly identical to PG symptoms. I feel like that might actually be better for me. That way anything I feel, I can just say 'oh that's just the progesterone'...and not let myself get too hopeful. It seems like the benefits out weigh the sneaky side effects. I haven't had any tests to know if my levels are too low or anything, but if the very low dose he gave me can't hurt, then it can only help in my eyes. So, I'm going for it. I feel sorry for Court though....mood swings are not going to be fun for her!

I want to have something to do each day of this TWW, so maybe I don't stress/obsess too much :) HA HA HA. I'm funny.

Anyway......now we wait...for the package, then the test! Shew, I hope this is it.

(*baby dust*)

Another One Looking Back

Hey all. I'm feeling a little stir crazy.. or something to that extent today. I'm working on getting over a cold and I'm feeling all peevy so it doesn't help that ALL of the neighborhood dogs are going crazy, causing our dog to go crazy in here with me and the noise is about to drive me nuts so I decided to take a break to write a blog. First I thought Jamie's little 2012/2013 thing looked fun so I'm going to give it a go. Let's remember that my family is not a significant part of my life due to their beliefs conflicting with my life as is so where normally an important family member would be the answer to some questions, it'll probably be Jamie in my answers. She'll probably like seeing that she's such a big influence on me anyways.. haha.

..Looking Back on 2012
1. What was your greatest accomplishment of 2012?
I have a hard time making decisions or picking a favorite/best thing so I may say a few here. I'd say I'm pretty darn proud of myself for going back to school. Even if to get an Associates in General Studies.. I guess that's what it is.. I'm doing it to better myself. I've also done a bit of growing up so that is always good.

2. What was your greatest fear of 2012?
I think my greatest fear was growing up and becoming more responsible. Moving to Knoxville and even discussing starting a family was a huge decision which was very scary, but has ended up being so worth it. I only wish I could have done it earlier!

3. Who influenced you the most in 2012?
My biggest influence, and the person I have spent most of my time with, was and is Jamie. She will probably never know all of the good she has done for me, but she has definitely had a significant part in the making of who I am today. I know I'm capable of a lot, but sometimes it takes some pushing and Jamie was there to push when I needed it the most and I'm more than thankful for that. She has shown me how to be a more responsible person and what it's like to be a part of a family who loves you for exactly who you are and that's something that I will never be able to repay her for.

4. What is(are) your favorite memory(ies) from 2012?
I think one of my favorite memories from 2012 was bringing in the New Year in DC. We had a ton of fun on that trip and I only wish we could have brought in 2013 by running around Dupont Circle.

5. Did you accomplish any of your goals for 2012?
I am glad to say that I accomplished a lot of goals for 2012. I paid off my car loan, which is funny to say because I have a little Honda POS, but I had to take out a loan on it and I paid it off about 6 months early. I've also taken a good chunk of money that most people my age would spend frivolously and put it towards paying off debt instead AND I started going back to school.

Hopes for the New Year...
1. What is your number one goal for 2013?
Clearly mine and Jamie's number one goal is to make a healthy, happy baby. I'm hoping we'll have one in our arms around the end of this year :) I also would like to graduate college at the end of the year.. or at least be a class away.

2. What do you want other people to remember most about you at the end of 2013?
I'd like for people to see and remember me as a kind hearted person. I want people to know I'm deserving of the child Jamie and I are trying to have and know that we'll be the best parents we can be.

3. How do you plan to make an impact on the world in 2013?
I don't have any huge plans to conquer the world yet, but I'd like to think that my little political and civil rights rants in the world of social media at least can impact someone to greater thinking ;)

4. Where is one place you want to visit in 2013?
I also don't have any huge plans here. I'd just like to plop my butt down on a sandy beach for a week or so. That's not asking too much, right??

5. How would you like to see yourself improve in 2013?
I want to read more, eat better, exercise more, learn more, become more patient and tolerant, more educated, more motivated, etc, etc.. We can always be better than we are now!

Now that that's over with let's get to the good stuff. Insemination! I can't remember if Jamie's already mentioned this or not, but she has an acupuncture appointment Saturday and we're hoping they can work some fertility mojo into the routing. She has also been drinking her FertiliTea as directed (for the most part) so now we just wait to receive our spermies and go for it! I think that this will be our best try yet and I am as confident as I can be without feeling like we're going to jinx things. Let's just all keep our fingers and toes crossed that this insemination results in a successful pregnancy. The timing could not be more perfect for us so let's make this work!! Talk to you all soon :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

First of all I would like to say thank you for the encouraging comments! I am so happy to have this community by my side. I know we are still in the early stages of our journey, and I by no means take for granted how lucky I am to have such a supportive family. I know most of you can relate because you understand the major differences between a hetero couple TTC and a lesbian couple TTC. It's not easy, but I know for sure it is worth it. I no longer feel the incredible jealousy I felt before. I am still a little sad that they have it so easy, but that feeling is going away too. I am ready to move on...and make a baby!!

I searched around a little while to find a list for New Year's Eve...You know, something like "looking back on 2012." I'll be honest I really only google searched for a few minutes, so I wasn't really trying.

I think I will just ask myself some questions about this past year & then write about my hopes for the new year. This could be fun, right?

...Looking Back on 2012

1. What was your greatest accomplishment of 2012?
    I'd have to say my greatest accomplishment this year would be making my house more of a home for my family, and for my family to come. There are still things that need to be checked off our list before the house is really done, but we are getting there :)

2. What was your greatest fear of 2012?
    My greatest fear was Courtney hating me once she moved in. I was so nervous my habits and little quirks were going to be too much for her to handle. I am so happy I was wrong. We haven't had any problems at all. Her moving in was probably the best thing for both of us!

3. Who influenced you the most in 2012?
    Well, like with many years...I have to say my mom. At least on a personal level, she is the one who influenced me to have more patience, to realize things always happen how & when they are supposed to. Now, looking at the bigger picture...I would say the people of this country who voted to move forward with equality in November. I have a greater faith in our country after seeing inequality struck down state after state that night.

4. What is(are) your favorite memory(ies) from 2012?
    I loved taking road trips with my sweet Courtney this year. Even though we nearly strangled each other within the first 30 minutes of being in the car a few times. ;) We took adventures to places we have never been and we learned new things together...I can't wait to continue learning new things with her.

5. Did you accomplish any of your goals for 2012?
    I had goals to get rid of credit card debt. I consolidated A LOT of credit card debt when I refinanced my car. I was able to pay off high interest credit cards and save money at the same time. I am proud of that. Of course, with paying off those cards, we decided it was time to make home improvements...which we put on cards. So, for now it seems like this is the cycle. At least the cards we have balances on are 0% interest for a while.

Hopes for the New Year...

1. What is your number one goal for 2013?
    If you are reading this blog, I assume you already know my #1 goal. But if somehow you got here from a random google search, I'll fill you in...I want to become pregnant & I want that pregnancy to yield a healthy baby...and a couple happy healthy mommas too :)

2. What do you want other people to remember most about you at the end of 2013?
    I want people to see me as determined and dedicated to our goals. I want other people to look at Courtney and I and think "wow, someday they are going to be great parents!"

3. How do you plan to make an impact on the world in 2013?
    Recycling is a big deal to me. I hope to continue doing my part of cleaning up our environment with the recycling program the City offers. We also plan to cloth diaper to reduce waste in the landfills...hoping we have a tiny to cloth diaper towards the end of 2013!

4. Where is one place you want to visit in 2013?
    I would love to go back to California again at some point. I would also love to take a road trip up the east coast to visit our friends in the DC area again. Really a beach trip is in order for Courtney and I!!

5. How would you like to see yourself improve in 2013?
    Better health. I am not unhealthy now, but I could definitely shape up! Cut out the unhealthy habits I do have...no more sodas (even though those are few and far between), drink more water, get back into our exercise routine, eat less fast food, you know the usual :) I'd also like to get involved with some kind of volunteer program. The library is also just a block or two down the road, I would like to see Courtney and I make a habit of visiting the library for some quiet reading time.

See, that was fun :) Today is CD10, I started using my cheapie OPKs this morning, I won't get to test tonight because I am working at the Ice Rink until after midnight! I'm not worried about missing any surge tonight though, it is WAY too early for my body to be surging haha. I'll probably start on Thursday (CD13) with our ClearBlue Easy digital tests just to make sure we aren't missing the surge with the cheapies somehow. FF expects O around CD16-18, as usual. I am really, really hoping for CD17 evening surge...that way we can safely ship out on Monday night and insem Tuesday afternoon.

Have we asked you guys to cross your fingers for us, yet? Start crossing them, and your toes, and your eyes, and your arms, and your legs! :) Also, any new tips for the TWW? I'll take them. I have a feeling this one is going to be the worst.

Low Blow

I knew eventually one of my friends would get pregnant before me. I had imagined how I'd be upset, but happy and I would move on with my life. Well, one of my long time friends told our group of pals that she was pregnant at our Christmas dinner over the past week, and I was genuinely happy for her...smiles from ear to ear, because I knew they'd been trying. I wasn't upset at all. After that, I thought I was a champ at hearing news from other people...that I still wanted for me!

Cut to Christmas morning, after almost all the gifts were opened...my brother brings out this small box (I knew immediately - I was already trying to compose my feelings). My sister in law is pregnant. It was a complete shock to them, they weren't even trying, it just happened, all of these words just suck to hear. Really. So I cried. First tears of joy for them...because I am so excited for a new baby, but those tears quickly turned to ones of hurt. I had to leave the room. Courtney came to comfort me, but because she was in shock she didn't really have much to say. My brother came to check on me and I could genuinely feel his love. I think he knows how badly Courtney and I want to be moms...and as I'm typing this I am starting to tear up again. He almost apologized for not trying and succeeding. I could see the fear on his face...he said over and over that they are going to need help. I think this hit me the hardest because it shows how far we have come from just 5 years ago (another story for another time). He has no idea what to do, but he is going to be the best dad ever.

And then the internal battle began. I really don't want to be upset about this, I want to be happy...I am going to be an aunt!!! The next best thing to being a mom, right? It was just so hard for me to get to that happy place. I had to have a minute (which really turned out to be about 6 hours) of real sadness. I want it to be us. It is our turn now. I was jealous. Really jealous...and I hated it. I had all these immediate feelings of resentment towards them...because now they are going to have all of the "firsts" & it was an "accident?" I don't even want to admit these things. How horrible of me for actually thinking these things!! I got upset that now my mom will be called some special name for their baby first, not ours. My parents are going to be grandparents for them first. I almost feel like they stole that very first reaction from me. I feel like it won't be special at all when we finally get pregnant. That look on my mom's face when she saw that pregnancy test in that box. It won't be the same. Then to think...what if this doesn't work in January or February or March or....what if I have to wait even longer and she is going through all of these milestones, that should be mine? We have planned, we have tried, we are ready. They had no idea we were trying, how can I hold this against them? It is completely normal for them to just happen to get pregnant. It just sucks, and to top it off, the baby is due on Mom & Carol's birthday.

But, I have to be past that part now. I have to move on and remember, just because they got pregnant does NOT mean we have to stop trying. We are still on track for our plans in January. Nothing has changed for us. Who says my parents can't be grandparents twice in one year? Nobody. My mom even said I am going to have two babies in 2013 I just know it. So...we are still moving forward. I am happy for them. I am excited to possibly share my pregnancy experiences with her. I get to be an aunt first. It may not be exactly how we planned...because nobody expected it to be them first...but that doesn't change our goals. Courtney and I will be Mommas.

I am CD5 today. I have fancy digital OPKs ready to start using Thursday, CD13. I will be drinking my Fertilitea every day. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Saturday, January 5, which is CD15. I plan on taking a half day Tuesday, January 8, CD18. Maybe we will watch baby movies all afternoon...maybe we will hold onto the baby onesie we bought months ago...maybe we will look silly saying words of encouragement to my ovaries...maybe we will have a picture of my grandma so she can give us good luck...and then...maybe January 22 I won't start my period again, and maybe January 24 I will pee on a stick and it will say I am pregnant, too. Maybe?

I sure hope so.