Our little girl will be 2 months old in two days. Jamie will officially be starting back full time at work on Friday and we are trying to cope with the idea of separation from Sophia. I can't imagine the feelings Jamie will be dealing with then and I can honestly say that I have no idea what to do to make her feel better about it. We recently won concert tickets for the 18th of this month and were discussing whether or not we would even want to go and be away from Sophia for an evening. Since the event is late Jamie suggested that we could go and just let Sophia stay the night with her gramsie so that we didn't wake her up late to bring her home and the idea of spending a night apart from her made me cry like a baby.. in fact it made me sob. I was embarrassed to be crying so I left the room and started boohooing in the kitchen.. so if I can cry like that over one night away I have no idea how to console Jamie who will now be spending 40 hours a week away from her all while I'm at home with her getting to spend quality time.
I have so many emotions rushing through me that I don't know how to deal with. The biggest one by far is the overwhelming love I feel for Sophia. I don't think I knew that I could love her THIS much. I worry about her every night when we put her to bed, I worry about her future, I pain myself over the thought of her growing up and when I look into her sweet, beautiful eyes I feel a love that I never imagined that I could feel and it just gets stronger every single day.
All while feeling these emotions for Sophia, I'm stressing over our future children. I get the feeling from our donor that he doesn't want to donate again. Jamie isn't so sure, but to me it seems pretty clear that this was a one time deal. There's nobody else in our lives who I would feel ok with asking to donate and with me being unemployed I can't see a sperm bank being a viable option. I know there are known donor sites, but we checked that out briefly at one point before asking Sophia's donor and neither of us were completely comfortable with it. All of this leaves me wondering if we'll even be able to work it out to have more children. We've already made these big plans and I feel like I'm watching them fall apart. Jamie and I were talking recently and realized that 30 is just around the corner for us.. where did that come from?!! That only amplified the feeling that we have to get this going pretty quickly if we want to have more children and I just don't know how we would work that out.
Maybe in a year or so we will have more figured out and be able to work on expanding our family so for now we'll focus on our little girl and try to soak up every minute before we blink and she's graduating high school.
She has her 2 month appointment on Tuesday so we should have an update on what's going on. . Until then!
So here we are...over a year later.
9 years ago
Sending lots of happy vibes to get you both through the transition back to work come Friday. I remember how tough that was (I was a crying mess) but I can tell you that it gets easier. You'll just have to make sure you text Jamie pictures of the baby all.day.long, lol! That helped me a lot! :)
ReplyDeleteYou might be surprised at how well she does. I was dreading it, but I actually really liked getting back to work. It helped a lot knowing that my baby was home with her mama safe and sound and not at daycare right away (when we made that transition it was harder for both of us, but she was older then, and ready for the switch). Hopefully it'll be a smooth transition! And could Gramsie spend the night at your house, instead? That way you could go out and come home to your sleeping baby and not spend the night apart. The donor stuff is difficult, but maybe it'll resolve by the time you're ready to start trying again. I hope so!
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