I just didn't know how many twists and turns this ride was going to take.
Might as well settle in for this one. It is a mush of random thoughts and emotions. Apologies in advance.
Our first KD got some not so great news back about his spermies. I don't have all the details, but I do know he had to go in to meet with his doctor. We all know mostly good news is shared via phone or voicemail...nothing excellent comes from an extra visit to sit down and chat.
Two days ago, I emailed Stacey (KD) about the other offer we had from Courtney's good friend. I was terrified that email would just crush our friendship somehow...because that's how my brain works. I go from good to catastrophe within minutes. Of course, he agreed with our ideas...that our new KD would probably be a better choice for now. Great...now we just move forward. Right?
Wait. Not so fast. We need a Donor Contract now. Why? Because our new KD is married. This could be a disaster...if we don't take the right steps. So we draw one up with the understanding that it isn't legally binding and we will still need a lawyer before a baby is birthed. Ok cool. Easy enough, the internet works wonders these days. Wait...his wife has an issue with the whole "if we die what happens to her husband's sperm child?" She wants our baby(ies) if we die. We can't let that happen. Not with my close-knit family. No Way.
......Great. There goes our other KD, now we have to move on to sperm banks and start spending hundreds of dollars each month on a vial no bigger than my pinky. We will try for months and still not be successful, then we decide to stop spending money all the time and maybe consider fostering? Maybe fostering will lead to adoption? But I can't bare the thought of fostering a child right now...not with this overwhelming need to bare a child. I would lose it the second that baby/child were taken from us to go back to his/her family...deep down I'd know that is ultimately what's best for them, but what about us? Surely we aren't too selfish in wanting our own family. I'm not too selfish to want to carry a child. Am I? Fostering isn't right for us right now, maybe probably in the future it will be. Adoption is much too expensive for us right now. So...
Then my brother and sister in law have made it to the 12 week mark and decide its time to post the news on Facebook. I follow suit and post a happy Aunt post, pretending to be super happy...because I am. I am happy for them. I am and I am so ready to be a part of that little one's life, but I am sad right now. Sad that I may only ever be an aunt. I may never know what its like to be a mom. & I am jealous. I hate how easy it was for them...their happy accident. Now I'm angry at myself for being this jealous person again. Its just not fair.
I'm talking to Mom about videos of us dancing to One Direction on Just Dance 4...everything is fine. I'm calm. I am forgetting that I was upset when she called. We are chatting about whatever else, I am halfway listening...& there is something about talking to your mom, your best friend, that makes it be ok to be vulnerable. I don't cry normally. But I lose it. I have a breakdown on the phone with my mom. I know everyone is so excited about the new baby...they have been since Christmas, I know this. Its just a constant reminder I'm not pregnant. Nobody understands. How could they? I feel so selfish losing control of my emotions. I hate it...I'm usually collected. I don't cry. I feel like everything is falling apart, Courtney and I are becoming strained because of this stupid roller coaster, and I can't figure out how to voice my feelings to her in an emotion other than anger. I am upset about only ever being an aunt. That's not what my life is meant to be. I know it. Mom calms me down, but she is only saying words I've heard before...she doesn't understand. How could she? She had 5 pregnancies. 4 kids. It seemed her and Dad just had to look at each other and 9 months later a new baby popped out. We have been at this for 7 months now...3 negatives & now a we are out of KD options...and we don't have thousands of dollars to spend on tiny vials of sperm....
Good to Catastrophe within minutes. See?
Hold on, in the midst of my tears Courtney gets and email. New KD and wife have a suggestion. A last case scenario situation...Ok...we can amend the contract to include that IF we both die, and IF my entire immediate family is unable to care for the kid, THEN and only then will they assume custody. We may be crazy. I realize that. This could work. We agree to amend the contract. This works for others it can work for us.
The tears start to dry and my nose is all puffy, but we are back. We are back to our new KD. We have a new plan. We all agree to this new plan...my anxiety levels are back to pre-catastrophe stage.
Now what? We print the contract we ALL sign it, and then we start trying.
When do we start trying? They are ready to start when we are. Awesome!! That means next week most likely...start POAS....again. Wait again. I am ok with waiting again. At least we have our plan...and they have agreed to help us until there is a tiny in my belly. I can breathe easy now.
This is going to be one hell of a story one day. "Momma, where do babies come from?" "You, my child... You are the most special baby ever...go get the blanket and let me tell you a story." I can't wait.
So here we are...over a year later.
9 years ago
I completely understand! It is such a hard roller coaster we are on and it can send us into crazy places. I find it very hard to stay grounded and not jealous of those around me with pregnant bellies.
ReplyDeleteI have always believed I would be a mom... I just feel it. No one in my family has ever had trouble. No miscarriages... nothing. Here I am - 2 years in... thousands of dollars and no baby. We are moving on to IVF and it is so scary. But I truly believe we will get our babies. Good Luck... try to remain positive and thankful for your KD. I wish we had someone in our lives that could have been our KD.
I KNOW you will have a baby and the family you want!!
I totally get it! The one thing I learned from this whole process is that you HAVE to let yourself feel what you feel. No feeling is wrong, it just is what you feel. No feeling is one you have to push away because you deserve to feel every single thing you are feeling. I can tell you it will work out, and it will, but that doesn't always matter in the moment. Be good to yourselves, don't judge yourself for feeling honest and authentic things and don't worry about what others think about how you feel.
ReplyDeleteWe do hope that things go well with donor nr2... We also switched donor after trying 6 times without any result, though we did use him (also) during our last try, when we got BFP, along with new donor, who most likely is the father... So wit this donor nr2 it worked on the 1st try (though it was this story when we ditched POAS and did 7 inseminations in 10 days...).
ReplyDeleteBut as far as I know, I encourage you to do as many inseminations per cycle as possible (like every other day) if your new donor lives closer now. We've heard from many straight ladies, who tried a long time, that they finally got BFP when they stopped counting and just had sex 2-4 times per week. So some of them got preggers way before/after the ovulation stick showed LH peak...so those sticks are not always 100% sure, and some women can ovulate several times at the same cycle...
And we did this way too, and it worked. It was just lots of work (we did it in the mornings before work or in the evenings and we had to synchronize all 3 of our schedules...) but 100% worth it! And believe me, there were MANY times when we were ready to give up! (adoption or fostering is not possible for us here...so this was our only chance besides going to the clinic for sperm...)
So if you have a chance, go for it (if you know your OV date, just start "a bit too early" and continue few extra times/days after that. We basicly started right after my GF's AF had ended, cause those, at least fresh, swimmers stay alive like 3 to 5 days once inside...).
But good luck and tons of baby dust to you!
Sounds like you've definitely had some ups and downs to contend with. How great to have a supportive best friend mom to talk through all of it.
ReplyDeleteI did want to add my .02 cents about donor agreements. I would highly recommend getting a legally sound document in place before insemination, just to cover all of your bases, especially if you have any doubt at all about things - and the wife of your new donor sounds a little concerning. I don't know the applicable laws in your state, but in Colorado (where we have some awesome protections like second parent adoption and - hopefully - civil unions soon!) anyone who uses a known donor (regardless of sexual orientation, marital status, etc.) needs to have a notarized donor agreement that covers all aspects of the law, and needs medical supervision (we are having a doctor friend sign our paperwork and be available by phone as the supervision) otherwise, the 'donor' can claim parental rights and you and your partner could be left in the cold.
I totally understand not having $$ to spend on teeny tiny frozen spermies - we don't either - and are using a known donor who we trust and adore. But, I definitely feel like the $400 we spent to meet with a lawyer and have her draw up the documents has given both of us some peace of mind in the process. And, it wouldn't take long at all to get everything in place.
I'm so glad you found a new donor who can make this dream come true for you!