Low Blow

I knew eventually one of my friends would get pregnant before me. I had imagined how I'd be upset, but happy and I would move on with my life. Well, one of my long time friends told our group of pals that she was pregnant at our Christmas dinner over the past week, and I was genuinely happy for her...smiles from ear to ear, because I knew they'd been trying. I wasn't upset at all. After that, I thought I was a champ at hearing news from other people...that I still wanted for me!

Cut to Christmas morning, after almost all the gifts were opened...my brother brings out this small box (I knew immediately - I was already trying to compose my feelings). My sister in law is pregnant. It was a complete shock to them, they weren't even trying, it just happened, all of these words just suck to hear. Really. So I cried. First tears of joy for them...because I am so excited for a new baby, but those tears quickly turned to ones of hurt. I had to leave the room. Courtney came to comfort me, but because she was in shock she didn't really have much to say. My brother came to check on me and I could genuinely feel his love. I think he knows how badly Courtney and I want to be moms...and as I'm typing this I am starting to tear up again. He almost apologized for not trying and succeeding. I could see the fear on his face...he said over and over that they are going to need help. I think this hit me the hardest because it shows how far we have come from just 5 years ago (another story for another time). He has no idea what to do, but he is going to be the best dad ever.

And then the internal battle began. I really don't want to be upset about this, I want to be happy...I am going to be an aunt!!! The next best thing to being a mom, right? It was just so hard for me to get to that happy place. I had to have a minute (which really turned out to be about 6 hours) of real sadness. I want it to be us. It is our turn now. I was jealous. Really jealous...and I hated it. I had all these immediate feelings of resentment towards them...because now they are going to have all of the "firsts" & it was an "accident?" I don't even want to admit these things. How horrible of me for actually thinking these things!! I got upset that now my mom will be called some special name for their baby first, not ours. My parents are going to be grandparents for them first. I almost feel like they stole that very first reaction from me. I feel like it won't be special at all when we finally get pregnant. That look on my mom's face when she saw that pregnancy test in that box. It won't be the same. Then to think...what if this doesn't work in January or February or March or....what if I have to wait even longer and she is going through all of these milestones, that should be mine? We have planned, we have tried, we are ready. They had no idea we were trying, how can I hold this against them? It is completely normal for them to just happen to get pregnant. It just sucks, and to top it off, the baby is due on Mom & Carol's birthday.

But, I have to be past that part now. I have to move on and remember, just because they got pregnant does NOT mean we have to stop trying. We are still on track for our plans in January. Nothing has changed for us. Who says my parents can't be grandparents twice in one year? Nobody. My mom even said I am going to have two babies in 2013 I just know it. So...we are still moving forward. I am happy for them. I am excited to possibly share my pregnancy experiences with her. I get to be an aunt first. It may not be exactly how we planned...because nobody expected it to be them first...but that doesn't change our goals. Courtney and I will be Mommas.

I am CD5 today. I have fancy digital OPKs ready to start using Thursday, CD13. I will be drinking my Fertilitea every day. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Saturday, January 5, which is CD15. I plan on taking a half day Tuesday, January 8, CD18. Maybe we will watch baby movies all afternoon...maybe we will hold onto the baby onesie we bought months ago...maybe we will look silly saying words of encouragement to my ovaries...maybe we will have a picture of my grandma so she can give us good luck...and then...maybe January 22 I won't start my period again, and maybe January 24 I will pee on a stick and it will say I am pregnant, too. Maybe?

I sure hope so.