HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

First of all I would like to say thank you for the encouraging comments! I am so happy to have this community by my side. I know we are still in the early stages of our journey, and I by no means take for granted how lucky I am to have such a supportive family. I know most of you can relate because you understand the major differences between a hetero couple TTC and a lesbian couple TTC. It's not easy, but I know for sure it is worth it. I no longer feel the incredible jealousy I felt before. I am still a little sad that they have it so easy, but that feeling is going away too. I am ready to move on...and make a baby!!

I searched around a little while to find a list for New Year's Eve...You know, something like "looking back on 2012." I'll be honest I really only google searched for a few minutes, so I wasn't really trying.

I think I will just ask myself some questions about this past year & then write about my hopes for the new year. This could be fun, right?

...Looking Back on 2012

1. What was your greatest accomplishment of 2012?
    I'd have to say my greatest accomplishment this year would be making my house more of a home for my family, and for my family to come. There are still things that need to be checked off our list before the house is really done, but we are getting there :)

2. What was your greatest fear of 2012?
    My greatest fear was Courtney hating me once she moved in. I was so nervous my habits and little quirks were going to be too much for her to handle. I am so happy I was wrong. We haven't had any problems at all. Her moving in was probably the best thing for both of us!

3. Who influenced you the most in 2012?
    Well, like with many years...I have to say my mom. At least on a personal level, she is the one who influenced me to have more patience, to realize things always happen how & when they are supposed to. Now, looking at the bigger picture...I would say the people of this country who voted to move forward with equality in November. I have a greater faith in our country after seeing inequality struck down state after state that night.

4. What is(are) your favorite memory(ies) from 2012?
    I loved taking road trips with my sweet Courtney this year. Even though we nearly strangled each other within the first 30 minutes of being in the car a few times. ;) We took adventures to places we have never been and we learned new things together...I can't wait to continue learning new things with her.

5. Did you accomplish any of your goals for 2012?
    I had goals to get rid of credit card debt. I consolidated A LOT of credit card debt when I refinanced my car. I was able to pay off high interest credit cards and save money at the same time. I am proud of that. Of course, with paying off those cards, we decided it was time to make home improvements...which we put on cards. So, for now it seems like this is the cycle. At least the cards we have balances on are 0% interest for a while.

Hopes for the New Year...

1. What is your number one goal for 2013?
    If you are reading this blog, I assume you already know my #1 goal. But if somehow you got here from a random google search, I'll fill you in...I want to become pregnant & I want that pregnancy to yield a healthy baby...and a couple happy healthy mommas too :)

2. What do you want other people to remember most about you at the end of 2013?
    I want people to see me as determined and dedicated to our goals. I want other people to look at Courtney and I and think "wow, someday they are going to be great parents!"

3. How do you plan to make an impact on the world in 2013?
    Recycling is a big deal to me. I hope to continue doing my part of cleaning up our environment with the recycling program the City offers. We also plan to cloth diaper to reduce waste in the landfills...hoping we have a tiny to cloth diaper towards the end of 2013!

4. Where is one place you want to visit in 2013?
    I would love to go back to California again at some point. I would also love to take a road trip up the east coast to visit our friends in the DC area again. Really a beach trip is in order for Courtney and I!!

5. How would you like to see yourself improve in 2013?
    Better health. I am not unhealthy now, but I could definitely shape up! Cut out the unhealthy habits I do have...no more sodas (even though those are few and far between), drink more water, get back into our exercise routine, eat less fast food, you know the usual :) I'd also like to get involved with some kind of volunteer program. The library is also just a block or two down the road, I would like to see Courtney and I make a habit of visiting the library for some quiet reading time.

See, that was fun :) Today is CD10, I started using my cheapie OPKs this morning, I won't get to test tonight because I am working at the Ice Rink until after midnight! I'm not worried about missing any surge tonight though, it is WAY too early for my body to be surging haha. I'll probably start on Thursday (CD13) with our ClearBlue Easy digital tests just to make sure we aren't missing the surge with the cheapies somehow. FF expects O around CD16-18, as usual. I am really, really hoping for CD17 evening surge...that way we can safely ship out on Monday night and insem Tuesday afternoon.

Have we asked you guys to cross your fingers for us, yet? Start crossing them, and your toes, and your eyes, and your arms, and your legs! :) Also, any new tips for the TWW? I'll take them. I have a feeling this one is going to be the worst.

Low Blow

I knew eventually one of my friends would get pregnant before me. I had imagined how I'd be upset, but happy and I would move on with my life. Well, one of my long time friends told our group of pals that she was pregnant at our Christmas dinner over the past week, and I was genuinely happy for her...smiles from ear to ear, because I knew they'd been trying. I wasn't upset at all. After that, I thought I was a champ at hearing news from other people...that I still wanted for me!

Cut to Christmas morning, after almost all the gifts were opened...my brother brings out this small box (I knew immediately - I was already trying to compose my feelings). My sister in law is pregnant. It was a complete shock to them, they weren't even trying, it just happened, all of these words just suck to hear. Really. So I cried. First tears of joy for them...because I am so excited for a new baby, but those tears quickly turned to ones of hurt. I had to leave the room. Courtney came to comfort me, but because she was in shock she didn't really have much to say. My brother came to check on me and I could genuinely feel his love. I think he knows how badly Courtney and I want to be moms...and as I'm typing this I am starting to tear up again. He almost apologized for not trying and succeeding. I could see the fear on his face...he said over and over that they are going to need help. I think this hit me the hardest because it shows how far we have come from just 5 years ago (another story for another time). He has no idea what to do, but he is going to be the best dad ever.

And then the internal battle began. I really don't want to be upset about this, I want to be happy...I am going to be an aunt!!! The next best thing to being a mom, right? It was just so hard for me to get to that happy place. I had to have a minute (which really turned out to be about 6 hours) of real sadness. I want it to be us. It is our turn now. I was jealous. Really jealous...and I hated it. I had all these immediate feelings of resentment towards them...because now they are going to have all of the "firsts" & it was an "accident?" I don't even want to admit these things. How horrible of me for actually thinking these things!! I got upset that now my mom will be called some special name for their baby first, not ours. My parents are going to be grandparents for them first. I almost feel like they stole that very first reaction from me. I feel like it won't be special at all when we finally get pregnant. That look on my mom's face when she saw that pregnancy test in that box. It won't be the same. Then to think...what if this doesn't work in January or February or March or....what if I have to wait even longer and she is going through all of these milestones, that should be mine? We have planned, we have tried, we are ready. They had no idea we were trying, how can I hold this against them? It is completely normal for them to just happen to get pregnant. It just sucks, and to top it off, the baby is due on Mom & Carol's birthday.

But, I have to be past that part now. I have to move on and remember, just because they got pregnant does NOT mean we have to stop trying. We are still on track for our plans in January. Nothing has changed for us. Who says my parents can't be grandparents twice in one year? Nobody. My mom even said I am going to have two babies in 2013 I just know it. So...we are still moving forward. I am happy for them. I am excited to possibly share my pregnancy experiences with her. I get to be an aunt first. It may not be exactly how we planned...because nobody expected it to be them first...but that doesn't change our goals. Courtney and I will be Mommas.

I am CD5 today. I have fancy digital OPKs ready to start using Thursday, CD13. I will be drinking my Fertilitea every day. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Saturday, January 5, which is CD15. I plan on taking a half day Tuesday, January 8, CD18. Maybe we will watch baby movies all afternoon...maybe we will hold onto the baby onesie we bought months ago...maybe we will look silly saying words of encouragement to my ovaries...maybe we will have a picture of my grandma so she can give us good luck...and then...maybe January 22 I won't start my period again, and maybe January 24 I will pee on a stick and it will say I am pregnant, too. Maybe?

I sure hope so.

Awkward...

So we get to try again in January and we've stepped up our game by purchasing some more high tech ovulation kits.. You know, the ones with the smilies. Easy peasy. So, we're really hoping this helps us pin point things so that we can get preggers this time, BUT if for some reason that doesn't work we've discussed using another donor, a friend of mine (this is Court btw). Anyway, this person is much closer to us, within traveling distance and we can go to him on the day of ovulation and do our thing. I think we're just both feeling weird about the possibility of having to begin this whole journey with someone else and having to tell our other guy we will put his services on hold.

I guess we'll just have to see how it all goes in January.

Fingers crossed, people!!!

A lot Like Christmas!

Thanksgiving was great :)

I am so so so blessed to have my family. We changed things up this year, in recent years my mom's side of the family have all gathered together at one of my aunt's houses. This year half of us came together at my parents' house. It was SO much better than years past. I have a couple family members (I use those words loosely here) who are pretty clearly homophobic bigots. Needless to say it was wonderful NOT having them around. There are also a few family members who just aren't as close with the rest of the family, and they are just awkward. I liked the smaller more special time I got to spend with the family members who mean the most to me. To me, it felt like it used to when my grandma hosted Thanksgiving. I felt the love in each room...I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone I'm not. I didn't feel like family was pretending to tolerate me. It was nice. So nice. I look forward to the same thing next year, instead of dreading being around family that just really isn't family anymore.

My birthday was this past Saturday!!

My family rented a cabin for the weekend, it was so great to get away with the ones I love the most :) I am 25 now, and intend to stay 25 for a few years!! The cabin we stayed in was called '50 Mile View' and it surely was an awesome view. A couple of friends and my aunt came up Saturday for some cake and to just hang out for a while. When Sunday came it was hard to leave and get back to the real world, but I will remember my first 25th birthday for years to come :) Some pictures of the sunsets...

Also, a raccoon came for a visit over the weekend :) 

Courtney and I sent out Christmas cards this year...Shutterfly is pretty awesome. Inexpensive, good quality cards and labels and they shipped fast! Let me see if I can attach a picture here...don't mind the picture of the computer screen there haha.

We have our tree(s) up!!

The one on the left is our fancy new pre-lit tree that I decorated with flowers from my grandma's Christmas tree. The one on the right is our small tree in our bedroom :) Cute cute!! It is feeling like Christmas at the Brazelton house for sure, now we just need to wrap some presents to put underneath that tree.

Today is my grandpa's birthday, we had lunch at Crown & Goose, a London pub-style restuarant. Always yummy! Here's the young man complete with his Birthday Button!



I think that's about all there is to update about for now!

OH WAIT! We have been talking with a more local known donor, its really sad to think Stacey is turning into "the typical gay boy" I hate to say that, but I don't know what else to think. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday, in fact the last time he responded to anything I sent him was the middle of November. I am disappointed with him. I almost want to just forget about trying with the kit he still has there. Maybe he will surprise us, but at this point I'm not counting on it :( We are ready to go with our new donor starting in February (if for some reason we do try in January with Stacey & it doesn't work)...Our new donor lives about 1.5 hours away, so even if we have to drive down after work, we can still manage that. I feel a lot more comfortable with this option. We have already printed up a pretty informal Known Donor Agreement, that we will have notorized...just so we all know what is expected from one another.

For now we are just enjoying the season. Both of us are working at Holidays on Ice, a small outdoor skating rink downtown, for some extra holiday spending money. I am still temping to confirm O, which should be in a couple of days, just to keep track. Hopefully the New Year will bring brand new things to our little family! I'm ready for a fresh start :)