The Frustration Post

I think it's safe to say that Jamie and I both believe in fate in a way. Maybe in a sense of karma.. if you put good things out into the universe good will come back to you. I keep trying to tell her that it is our fate to have a baby, but maybe just not right this second. Maybe January.. or February.. or whenever.

Things with our known donor are just not working out like we both anticipated they would. I feel bad saying this because he is one of Jamie's good friends, but I'm disappointed in him. Yes we've had two tries, but we have also been let down twice now. I know that this is a process and that we're asking him to take time out of his day to do his business and go to UPS and make a shipment and that's definitely not his obligation, BUT he has said more than once that he wants to help with this. Making a baby is no small ordeal. It's complicated and takes a lot of work and, most of all, it means a lot.. so I guess I just don't understand how we can get an email late in the day he is supposed to send us a shipment saying that it turns out he doesn't have time to send it.

It's very discouraging, more so for Jamie than me because she's going to be carrying the baby. She feels more of a connection to this child already. While I'm very excited to have a baby, she is already putting in the work for it so I can't imagine her disappointment when things don't work out. I'm trying to stay positive for the both of us, though. I'm trying to tell her that maybe right now just isn't our time and maybe that's the way that it was intended to be. Maybe we'll have our time soon and that will be what is perfect for us, but I'm starting to feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I guess maybe we just need some reassurance that this will happen and that we don't need to give up. I know one day it will work and we will get the positive and all of the time we spent trying will just disappear in the excitement, but I just want it to be soon. I don't want to spend years trying, and I know that's how it works out for a lot of gay couples.


This is Jamie now. I am just sad. It makes it harder that my friends who have recently gotten married are posting news about expecting babies...some with the same due dates we would have had from the first round of trying. We don't have an endless supply of swimmers. I don't think he really understands how much planning it takes on my part to make sure we have the perfect environment for that ONE try we get for that month. I just wish the communication was better...I mean I pretty much just wasted a month's worth of OPKs. I will continue temping to confirm that I did O. Next month I will temp just enough to confirm O again, because I don't want to just stop. I can't. I will keep taking my prenatals...and I will keep tracking signs. But, we won't try again until at least January...it would be too difficult trying to plan around the holidays. Even January may not work out with timing on my end...

I am frustrated. I remember reading these same frustrated posts on others' blogs. Reading the same frustrations. Feeling sorry for those couples. Hoping that would never be us...and I know. I know we are literally still in the very beginning of this journey (4 months since we started trying), but nobody wants to hit this road block. We have one kit left...after we use that kit we have to make a decision to have a serious discussion with our KD about making us a priority for those few days, or we move on to frozen sperm from a bank. Neither of us really wants to go the bank route just yet. It seems so impersonal. How can we feel comfortable not really knowing the person that makes up half of our baby? How can we trust they didn't just make up a story for their profile? How am I supposed to be ok knowing that frozen sperm isn't always the best bet...and we'd be paying lots of money, for...not the best bet? What do we say to our child when they ask about their dad? Oh sweetheart he is #2358 from so & so. I know this is more than ok for some couples, some prefer that, and more power to you. It just isn't what we had planned for us. For our family. We are ok with having two moms and a dad who lives in California...we were both ready for that family.

This forced break will definitely give us time to talk about everything. Save up some money for the possibility of a sperm bank purchase. Read up on using frozen sperm. I am not ready to go this route...but I can get ready. We aren't giving up this easily, duh! I just wanted the perfect little new normal family. It can still work out, I know that. I know that it is possible for us to look back at this post and laugh...even in January or February, after we get a BFP. Saying "man we were real worry warts for a hot minute there." It is the power of positive thinking. And timing. And charting. And being healthy. And.....all kinds of other things :)

For now though, I need to be sad. I need to be disappointed. And I need to be ok with these feelings...so we can move on, and make a new plan.

I apologize for the lengthy post, it was something we both needed to get out...so there it is.