HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

First of all I would like to say thank you for the encouraging comments! I am so happy to have this community by my side. I know we are still in the early stages of our journey, and I by no means take for granted how lucky I am to have such a supportive family. I know most of you can relate because you understand the major differences between a hetero couple TTC and a lesbian couple TTC. It's not easy, but I know for sure it is worth it. I no longer feel the incredible jealousy I felt before. I am still a little sad that they have it so easy, but that feeling is going away too. I am ready to move on...and make a baby!!

I searched around a little while to find a list for New Year's Eve...You know, something like "looking back on 2012." I'll be honest I really only google searched for a few minutes, so I wasn't really trying.

I think I will just ask myself some questions about this past year & then write about my hopes for the new year. This could be fun, right?

...Looking Back on 2012

1. What was your greatest accomplishment of 2012?
    I'd have to say my greatest accomplishment this year would be making my house more of a home for my family, and for my family to come. There are still things that need to be checked off our list before the house is really done, but we are getting there :)

2. What was your greatest fear of 2012?
    My greatest fear was Courtney hating me once she moved in. I was so nervous my habits and little quirks were going to be too much for her to handle. I am so happy I was wrong. We haven't had any problems at all. Her moving in was probably the best thing for both of us!

3. Who influenced you the most in 2012?
    Well, like with many years...I have to say my mom. At least on a personal level, she is the one who influenced me to have more patience, to realize things always happen how & when they are supposed to. Now, looking at the bigger picture...I would say the people of this country who voted to move forward with equality in November. I have a greater faith in our country after seeing inequality struck down state after state that night.

4. What is(are) your favorite memory(ies) from 2012?
    I loved taking road trips with my sweet Courtney this year. Even though we nearly strangled each other within the first 30 minutes of being in the car a few times. ;) We took adventures to places we have never been and we learned new things together...I can't wait to continue learning new things with her.

5. Did you accomplish any of your goals for 2012?
    I had goals to get rid of credit card debt. I consolidated A LOT of credit card debt when I refinanced my car. I was able to pay off high interest credit cards and save money at the same time. I am proud of that. Of course, with paying off those cards, we decided it was time to make home improvements...which we put on cards. So, for now it seems like this is the cycle. At least the cards we have balances on are 0% interest for a while.

Hopes for the New Year...

1. What is your number one goal for 2013?
    If you are reading this blog, I assume you already know my #1 goal. But if somehow you got here from a random google search, I'll fill you in...I want to become pregnant & I want that pregnancy to yield a healthy baby...and a couple happy healthy mommas too :)

2. What do you want other people to remember most about you at the end of 2013?
    I want people to see me as determined and dedicated to our goals. I want other people to look at Courtney and I and think "wow, someday they are going to be great parents!"

3. How do you plan to make an impact on the world in 2013?
    Recycling is a big deal to me. I hope to continue doing my part of cleaning up our environment with the recycling program the City offers. We also plan to cloth diaper to reduce waste in the landfills...hoping we have a tiny to cloth diaper towards the end of 2013!

4. Where is one place you want to visit in 2013?
    I would love to go back to California again at some point. I would also love to take a road trip up the east coast to visit our friends in the DC area again. Really a beach trip is in order for Courtney and I!!

5. How would you like to see yourself improve in 2013?
    Better health. I am not unhealthy now, but I could definitely shape up! Cut out the unhealthy habits I do have...no more sodas (even though those are few and far between), drink more water, get back into our exercise routine, eat less fast food, you know the usual :) I'd also like to get involved with some kind of volunteer program. The library is also just a block or two down the road, I would like to see Courtney and I make a habit of visiting the library for some quiet reading time.

See, that was fun :) Today is CD10, I started using my cheapie OPKs this morning, I won't get to test tonight because I am working at the Ice Rink until after midnight! I'm not worried about missing any surge tonight though, it is WAY too early for my body to be surging haha. I'll probably start on Thursday (CD13) with our ClearBlue Easy digital tests just to make sure we aren't missing the surge with the cheapies somehow. FF expects O around CD16-18, as usual. I am really, really hoping for CD17 evening surge...that way we can safely ship out on Monday night and insem Tuesday afternoon.

Have we asked you guys to cross your fingers for us, yet? Start crossing them, and your toes, and your eyes, and your arms, and your legs! :) Also, any new tips for the TWW? I'll take them. I have a feeling this one is going to be the worst.

Low Blow

I knew eventually one of my friends would get pregnant before me. I had imagined how I'd be upset, but happy and I would move on with my life. Well, one of my long time friends told our group of pals that she was pregnant at our Christmas dinner over the past week, and I was genuinely happy for her...smiles from ear to ear, because I knew they'd been trying. I wasn't upset at all. After that, I thought I was a champ at hearing news from other people...that I still wanted for me!

Cut to Christmas morning, after almost all the gifts were opened...my brother brings out this small box (I knew immediately - I was already trying to compose my feelings). My sister in law is pregnant. It was a complete shock to them, they weren't even trying, it just happened, all of these words just suck to hear. Really. So I cried. First tears of joy for them...because I am so excited for a new baby, but those tears quickly turned to ones of hurt. I had to leave the room. Courtney came to comfort me, but because she was in shock she didn't really have much to say. My brother came to check on me and I could genuinely feel his love. I think he knows how badly Courtney and I want to be moms...and as I'm typing this I am starting to tear up again. He almost apologized for not trying and succeeding. I could see the fear on his face...he said over and over that they are going to need help. I think this hit me the hardest because it shows how far we have come from just 5 years ago (another story for another time). He has no idea what to do, but he is going to be the best dad ever.

And then the internal battle began. I really don't want to be upset about this, I want to be happy...I am going to be an aunt!!! The next best thing to being a mom, right? It was just so hard for me to get to that happy place. I had to have a minute (which really turned out to be about 6 hours) of real sadness. I want it to be us. It is our turn now. I was jealous. Really jealous...and I hated it. I had all these immediate feelings of resentment towards them...because now they are going to have all of the "firsts" & it was an "accident?" I don't even want to admit these things. How horrible of me for actually thinking these things!! I got upset that now my mom will be called some special name for their baby first, not ours. My parents are going to be grandparents for them first. I almost feel like they stole that very first reaction from me. I feel like it won't be special at all when we finally get pregnant. That look on my mom's face when she saw that pregnancy test in that box. It won't be the same. Then to think...what if this doesn't work in January or February or March or....what if I have to wait even longer and she is going through all of these milestones, that should be mine? We have planned, we have tried, we are ready. They had no idea we were trying, how can I hold this against them? It is completely normal for them to just happen to get pregnant. It just sucks, and to top it off, the baby is due on Mom & Carol's birthday.

But, I have to be past that part now. I have to move on and remember, just because they got pregnant does NOT mean we have to stop trying. We are still on track for our plans in January. Nothing has changed for us. Who says my parents can't be grandparents twice in one year? Nobody. My mom even said I am going to have two babies in 2013 I just know it. So...we are still moving forward. I am happy for them. I am excited to possibly share my pregnancy experiences with her. I get to be an aunt first. It may not be exactly how we planned...because nobody expected it to be them first...but that doesn't change our goals. Courtney and I will be Mommas.

I am CD5 today. I have fancy digital OPKs ready to start using Thursday, CD13. I will be drinking my Fertilitea every day. I have an acupuncture appointment set up for Saturday, January 5, which is CD15. I plan on taking a half day Tuesday, January 8, CD18. Maybe we will watch baby movies all afternoon...maybe we will hold onto the baby onesie we bought months ago...maybe we will look silly saying words of encouragement to my ovaries...maybe we will have a picture of my grandma so she can give us good luck...and then...maybe January 22 I won't start my period again, and maybe January 24 I will pee on a stick and it will say I am pregnant, too. Maybe?

I sure hope so.

Awkward...

So we get to try again in January and we've stepped up our game by purchasing some more high tech ovulation kits.. You know, the ones with the smilies. Easy peasy. So, we're really hoping this helps us pin point things so that we can get preggers this time, BUT if for some reason that doesn't work we've discussed using another donor, a friend of mine (this is Court btw). Anyway, this person is much closer to us, within traveling distance and we can go to him on the day of ovulation and do our thing. I think we're just both feeling weird about the possibility of having to begin this whole journey with someone else and having to tell our other guy we will put his services on hold.

I guess we'll just have to see how it all goes in January.

Fingers crossed, people!!!

A lot Like Christmas!

Thanksgiving was great :)

I am so so so blessed to have my family. We changed things up this year, in recent years my mom's side of the family have all gathered together at one of my aunt's houses. This year half of us came together at my parents' house. It was SO much better than years past. I have a couple family members (I use those words loosely here) who are pretty clearly homophobic bigots. Needless to say it was wonderful NOT having them around. There are also a few family members who just aren't as close with the rest of the family, and they are just awkward. I liked the smaller more special time I got to spend with the family members who mean the most to me. To me, it felt like it used to when my grandma hosted Thanksgiving. I felt the love in each room...I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be someone I'm not. I didn't feel like family was pretending to tolerate me. It was nice. So nice. I look forward to the same thing next year, instead of dreading being around family that just really isn't family anymore.

My birthday was this past Saturday!!

My family rented a cabin for the weekend, it was so great to get away with the ones I love the most :) I am 25 now, and intend to stay 25 for a few years!! The cabin we stayed in was called '50 Mile View' and it surely was an awesome view. A couple of friends and my aunt came up Saturday for some cake and to just hang out for a while. When Sunday came it was hard to leave and get back to the real world, but I will remember my first 25th birthday for years to come :) Some pictures of the sunsets...

Also, a raccoon came for a visit over the weekend :) 

Courtney and I sent out Christmas cards this year...Shutterfly is pretty awesome. Inexpensive, good quality cards and labels and they shipped fast! Let me see if I can attach a picture here...don't mind the picture of the computer screen there haha.

We have our tree(s) up!!

The one on the left is our fancy new pre-lit tree that I decorated with flowers from my grandma's Christmas tree. The one on the right is our small tree in our bedroom :) Cute cute!! It is feeling like Christmas at the Brazelton house for sure, now we just need to wrap some presents to put underneath that tree.

Today is my grandpa's birthday, we had lunch at Crown & Goose, a London pub-style restuarant. Always yummy! Here's the young man complete with his Birthday Button!



I think that's about all there is to update about for now!

OH WAIT! We have been talking with a more local known donor, its really sad to think Stacey is turning into "the typical gay boy" I hate to say that, but I don't know what else to think. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday, in fact the last time he responded to anything I sent him was the middle of November. I am disappointed with him. I almost want to just forget about trying with the kit he still has there. Maybe he will surprise us, but at this point I'm not counting on it :( We are ready to go with our new donor starting in February (if for some reason we do try in January with Stacey & it doesn't work)...Our new donor lives about 1.5 hours away, so even if we have to drive down after work, we can still manage that. I feel a lot more comfortable with this option. We have already printed up a pretty informal Known Donor Agreement, that we will have notorized...just so we all know what is expected from one another.

For now we are just enjoying the season. Both of us are working at Holidays on Ice, a small outdoor skating rink downtown, for some extra holiday spending money. I am still temping to confirm O, which should be in a couple of days, just to keep track. Hopefully the New Year will bring brand new things to our little family! I'm ready for a fresh start :)

Liebster Blog Award(s)!!!

I am honored that our blog was nominated (TWICE!) for the Liebster Award :) How sweet are my readers?!

**The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers by bloggers. It is a way to acknowledge each other and say "you're doing a great job". It is for blogs with 200 or less followers, so it's also a great way to spread the word about smaller blogs and get them more readers and followers!
Answer questions, then nominate 10 more bloggers & have them answer my questions.**

I have been slacking lately, partially because I haven't had anything to report babywise, and partially because I was angry about the first part. BUT, this is a great reason to get back to it!! I am going to answer the questions from Lexi & Sarah first, then I will answer LoveShackBaby's questions. This might be a lengthy post, but hopefully it will be fun to read :)

Questions from L&S: 

1. What is your favorite season and why?

I'm gonna have to pick two seasons, I know that's half the year, but its ok :) Fall & Spring- its the colors! I LOVE the colors of both these seasons.

2. What is something you cant live without?

I can't live with out chapstick. OR hand lotion. I hate dry skin/chapped lips.

3. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?

I think I would have to say Italy. It is someplace I have always wanted to visit, and I love pizza :)

4. If given the ability to change one thing in this world what would you choose?

I would change people's attitudes about equality. Everyone Everywhere deserves to be treated equally.

5. Do you have any regrets in life?

I wish I spent more time with my grandma.

6. Why did you start blogging?

I started this blog to document our story for our future child(ren). I have always had some interest in blogging, however, my aunt Carol actually printed off this massive binder of my blog from my senior year in high school...oh how things have changed!

7. What is your best trait?

Best trait? I can talk to a wall. Really, I think I can find common ground with anyone, and we can strike up a conversation for hours.

8. What is your worst trait?

Talking for hours ;) No, I think my worst trait is my temper. I am learning patience little by little.

9. What is your best childhood memory?

There are so many, but the one that stands out today is The Talking Tree. All the grandkids have sat in the talking tree. It's this big tree in my grandparents' front yard...that has the perfect branches to climb and hide and play on. When it is filled with leaves you can hardly see who's in it, I guess that's where the name came from, because it seemed like the tree was talking :)

10. Who are 3 people you would love to have dinner with (living or dead)?

Ellen DeGeneres, Courtney's mother Connie and Walt Disney 

11. Who is someone you miss?

My grandma.

Now, onto LoveShackBaby's questions:

1. What is your favorite thing to blog about?

My favorite thing to blog about is BABY news :) I love to write about our next steps and exciting news helping us get one step closer to our baby!

2. What are your feelings about dogs sleeping in bed with their owners?
Well, I have mixed feeling about this...because Charlie sleeps with us, even though she has a nice comfy bed on the floor (& that is where we'd prefer her sleep).

3. What is your favorite memory ages 13-16?
I would have to say meeting one of my good pals Lee, we met through a children's choir when I was 13. She is like my little sister, we had some of the best times together & to this day she holds a special piece of my heart!

4. Could you see yourself as a life coach?
I do give out some pretty good advice...and I like to think I'm a good listener, so I'd say I could give it a go!

5. Are you looking forward to anything in particular in 2013?
Starting back TTC in January, and the possibility of a 2013 baby :)

6. What is a must-have in your kitchen?
Non-stick EVERYTHING.

7. Favorite mode of transportation?
I love the Subway, I know I know...I live in small(ish) town TN where Public Transit might as well be non-existent, but when I have traveled to major cities I have always enjoyed the underground, the L, the Subway, the Tube...its always great :)

8. Have you ever had a nickname that you really hated?
I really can't think of any name that's bothered me...

9. What was your happiest moment today?
Receiving our Christmas Cards from Shutterfly in the mail!!

10. Would you rather decorate handmade cards or cut out snowflakes?
Handmade Cards, I'm too ADHD to cut snowflakes....well pretty ones at least.


My Nominations: I'm sure some of these have been nominated already, but that's ok :)
1. Ashley: She is an inspiration through some of the tough times, even when she feels like she is just complaining, she is strong!
2. NonFatCaramel: This is a spunky couple all the way from England, sharing their successes and sorrows.
3. Jessica: I am keeping everything crossed for this sweet sweet couple going through the long adoption process!
4. Nadine: It is so fun to read this blog, she translates each post for friends and family back home!
5. T&A: T just gave birth to the cutest little girl with SO much hair! I think she has more than me until I was 3 years old :)
6. W&E: They have a sweet little girl, and now they are ready for #2!
7. Doug & Bill: This is a couple of dads with their new addition to their family, through surrogacy.
8. Lex: I love that she doesn't sugarcoat some things others might.
9. Mommy & Mum: They are in the beginning stages of TTC. I can't wait to share the ride!
10. Shells: They are expecting a baby boy in just a couple months!

Questions for my nominees:
1. What is something you are proud of?
2. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
3. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
4. How do you de-stress?
5. What is your Favorite Disney movie?
6. Who is your biggest influence & why?
7. How far have you traveled from home?
8. Which book would you recommend?
9. Who would you travel to the moon with?
10. What is your dream car?

Have fun!!

The Frustration Post

I think it's safe to say that Jamie and I both believe in fate in a way. Maybe in a sense of karma.. if you put good things out into the universe good will come back to you. I keep trying to tell her that it is our fate to have a baby, but maybe just not right this second. Maybe January.. or February.. or whenever.

Things with our known donor are just not working out like we both anticipated they would. I feel bad saying this because he is one of Jamie's good friends, but I'm disappointed in him. Yes we've had two tries, but we have also been let down twice now. I know that this is a process and that we're asking him to take time out of his day to do his business and go to UPS and make a shipment and that's definitely not his obligation, BUT he has said more than once that he wants to help with this. Making a baby is no small ordeal. It's complicated and takes a lot of work and, most of all, it means a lot.. so I guess I just don't understand how we can get an email late in the day he is supposed to send us a shipment saying that it turns out he doesn't have time to send it.

It's very discouraging, more so for Jamie than me because she's going to be carrying the baby. She feels more of a connection to this child already. While I'm very excited to have a baby, she is already putting in the work for it so I can't imagine her disappointment when things don't work out. I'm trying to stay positive for the both of us, though. I'm trying to tell her that maybe right now just isn't our time and maybe that's the way that it was intended to be. Maybe we'll have our time soon and that will be what is perfect for us, but I'm starting to feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I guess maybe we just need some reassurance that this will happen and that we don't need to give up. I know one day it will work and we will get the positive and all of the time we spent trying will just disappear in the excitement, but I just want it to be soon. I don't want to spend years trying, and I know that's how it works out for a lot of gay couples.


This is Jamie now. I am just sad. It makes it harder that my friends who have recently gotten married are posting news about expecting babies...some with the same due dates we would have had from the first round of trying. We don't have an endless supply of swimmers. I don't think he really understands how much planning it takes on my part to make sure we have the perfect environment for that ONE try we get for that month. I just wish the communication was better...I mean I pretty much just wasted a month's worth of OPKs. I will continue temping to confirm that I did O. Next month I will temp just enough to confirm O again, because I don't want to just stop. I can't. I will keep taking my prenatals...and I will keep tracking signs. But, we won't try again until at least January...it would be too difficult trying to plan around the holidays. Even January may not work out with timing on my end...

I am frustrated. I remember reading these same frustrated posts on others' blogs. Reading the same frustrations. Feeling sorry for those couples. Hoping that would never be us...and I know. I know we are literally still in the very beginning of this journey (4 months since we started trying), but nobody wants to hit this road block. We have one kit left...after we use that kit we have to make a decision to have a serious discussion with our KD about making us a priority for those few days, or we move on to frozen sperm from a bank. Neither of us really wants to go the bank route just yet. It seems so impersonal. How can we feel comfortable not really knowing the person that makes up half of our baby? How can we trust they didn't just make up a story for their profile? How am I supposed to be ok knowing that frozen sperm isn't always the best bet...and we'd be paying lots of money, for...not the best bet? What do we say to our child when they ask about their dad? Oh sweetheart he is #2358 from so & so. I know this is more than ok for some couples, some prefer that, and more power to you. It just isn't what we had planned for us. For our family. We are ok with having two moms and a dad who lives in California...we were both ready for that family.

This forced break will definitely give us time to talk about everything. Save up some money for the possibility of a sperm bank purchase. Read up on using frozen sperm. I am not ready to go this route...but I can get ready. We aren't giving up this easily, duh! I just wanted the perfect little new normal family. It can still work out, I know that. I know that it is possible for us to look back at this post and laugh...even in January or February, after we get a BFP. Saying "man we were real worry warts for a hot minute there." It is the power of positive thinking. And timing. And charting. And being healthy. And.....all kinds of other things :)

For now though, I need to be sad. I need to be disappointed. And I need to be ok with these feelings...so we can move on, and make a new plan.

I apologize for the lengthy post, it was something we both needed to get out...so there it is.

And we're out.

I knew we were too early with the insemination this time. I even told our KD as soon as I have you ship it out Friday my body will decide to ovuLATE...literally. & that's basically what happened. So, our plan is to take a chance and wait until I actually surge (or wait until that 2nd line is almost as dark as the first one) to have him ship it out. According to FF that will be 2 weeks from today...man it would be much easier if we were in the same state.

I have a feeling that Fertilitea worked its magic thickening up my lining. These cramps are mean and they are making me mean. Anyway, I need to get past the sad & onto the planning stage again. Court and I are certain once we get the timing down, we will be done with this part for at least 9 months. I just can't wait to be at that point.

Now that I am all bleedy and everything, we are going to ride roller coasters at Dollywood very soon. They have the prettiest seasonal decorations, and it is the perfect temperature to be outside all day. Of course my allergies don't agree with that, but it's ok.

It is busy season for me at work again, which is great...I'm not sitting at my desk all day reading everything I can about babies and how to get one in my uterus. HA who am I kidding, of course I make time for those things.

Speaking of work, I need to get back to drinking my day-old coffee and making horrid faces every time it hits my tastebuds...but I'm tired, I do crazy things to keep from being tired.

Good day All.