The Frustration Post

I think it's safe to say that Jamie and I both believe in fate in a way. Maybe in a sense of karma.. if you put good things out into the universe good will come back to you. I keep trying to tell her that it is our fate to have a baby, but maybe just not right this second. Maybe January.. or February.. or whenever.

Things with our known donor are just not working out like we both anticipated they would. I feel bad saying this because he is one of Jamie's good friends, but I'm disappointed in him. Yes we've had two tries, but we have also been let down twice now. I know that this is a process and that we're asking him to take time out of his day to do his business and go to UPS and make a shipment and that's definitely not his obligation, BUT he has said more than once that he wants to help with this. Making a baby is no small ordeal. It's complicated and takes a lot of work and, most of all, it means a lot.. so I guess I just don't understand how we can get an email late in the day he is supposed to send us a shipment saying that it turns out he doesn't have time to send it.

It's very discouraging, more so for Jamie than me because she's going to be carrying the baby. She feels more of a connection to this child already. While I'm very excited to have a baby, she is already putting in the work for it so I can't imagine her disappointment when things don't work out. I'm trying to stay positive for the both of us, though. I'm trying to tell her that maybe right now just isn't our time and maybe that's the way that it was intended to be. Maybe we'll have our time soon and that will be what is perfect for us, but I'm starting to feel like I'm trying to convince myself. I guess maybe we just need some reassurance that this will happen and that we don't need to give up. I know one day it will work and we will get the positive and all of the time we spent trying will just disappear in the excitement, but I just want it to be soon. I don't want to spend years trying, and I know that's how it works out for a lot of gay couples.


This is Jamie now. I am just sad. It makes it harder that my friends who have recently gotten married are posting news about expecting babies...some with the same due dates we would have had from the first round of trying. We don't have an endless supply of swimmers. I don't think he really understands how much planning it takes on my part to make sure we have the perfect environment for that ONE try we get for that month. I just wish the communication was better...I mean I pretty much just wasted a month's worth of OPKs. I will continue temping to confirm that I did O. Next month I will temp just enough to confirm O again, because I don't want to just stop. I can't. I will keep taking my prenatals...and I will keep tracking signs. But, we won't try again until at least January...it would be too difficult trying to plan around the holidays. Even January may not work out with timing on my end...

I am frustrated. I remember reading these same frustrated posts on others' blogs. Reading the same frustrations. Feeling sorry for those couples. Hoping that would never be us...and I know. I know we are literally still in the very beginning of this journey (4 months since we started trying), but nobody wants to hit this road block. We have one kit left...after we use that kit we have to make a decision to have a serious discussion with our KD about making us a priority for those few days, or we move on to frozen sperm from a bank. Neither of us really wants to go the bank route just yet. It seems so impersonal. How can we feel comfortable not really knowing the person that makes up half of our baby? How can we trust they didn't just make up a story for their profile? How am I supposed to be ok knowing that frozen sperm isn't always the best bet...and we'd be paying lots of money, for...not the best bet? What do we say to our child when they ask about their dad? Oh sweetheart he is #2358 from so & so. I know this is more than ok for some couples, some prefer that, and more power to you. It just isn't what we had planned for us. For our family. We are ok with having two moms and a dad who lives in California...we were both ready for that family.

This forced break will definitely give us time to talk about everything. Save up some money for the possibility of a sperm bank purchase. Read up on using frozen sperm. I am not ready to go this route...but I can get ready. We aren't giving up this easily, duh! I just wanted the perfect little new normal family. It can still work out, I know that. I know that it is possible for us to look back at this post and laugh...even in January or February, after we get a BFP. Saying "man we were real worry warts for a hot minute there." It is the power of positive thinking. And timing. And charting. And being healthy. And.....all kinds of other things :)

For now though, I need to be sad. I need to be disappointed. And I need to be ok with these feelings...so we can move on, and make a new plan.

I apologize for the lengthy post, it was something we both needed to get out...so there it is.

And we're out.

I knew we were too early with the insemination this time. I even told our KD as soon as I have you ship it out Friday my body will decide to ovuLATE...literally. & that's basically what happened. So, our plan is to take a chance and wait until I actually surge (or wait until that 2nd line is almost as dark as the first one) to have him ship it out. According to FF that will be 2 weeks from today...man it would be much easier if we were in the same state.

I have a feeling that Fertilitea worked its magic thickening up my lining. These cramps are mean and they are making me mean. Anyway, I need to get past the sad & onto the planning stage again. Court and I are certain once we get the timing down, we will be done with this part for at least 9 months. I just can't wait to be at that point.

Now that I am all bleedy and everything, we are going to ride roller coasters at Dollywood very soon. They have the prettiest seasonal decorations, and it is the perfect temperature to be outside all day. Of course my allergies don't agree with that, but it's ok.

It is busy season for me at work again, which is great...I'm not sitting at my desk all day reading everything I can about babies and how to get one in my uterus. HA who am I kidding, of course I make time for those things.

Speaking of work, I need to get back to drinking my day-old coffee and making horrid faces every time it hits my tastebuds...but I'm tired, I do crazy things to keep from being tired.

Good day All.

All Aboard!!

This weekend was so so gloomy!! I am not looking forward to this winter, unless of course there is snow. If there is snow, I'll be a happy camper...not that I'll be camping, but I will be happy :)

The package arrived as scheduled Saturday morning, we put it in the refridgerator until after we ran some errands and knew we would be in for the night. We knew after reading it should be no problem to have the swimmers wait a little longer. Everything went off without a hitch Saturday night, and now we wait!

This TWW we plan to be pretty low key about it all, only my mom and aunt Carol know we tried -I also told them baby questions are off limits for two weeks...I'm so glad they are understanding and don't take offense to me being so blunt- I don't feel like I could be letting anyone down this go around (I know I didn't let anybody down last time...its just how my brain works). I already feel less stressed this time. My plan is to completely forget that we even inseminated Saturday. No symptom checking, no early testing. Just living our life :) Should be easy, right!!

Because I am so in tune with my body, I know I ovulated early this morning...right on time. I should start to see my temps rise tomorrow. I'm really glad we opted for Satuday delivery, because tomorrow would be too late.

Today is my younger brother's birthday! We drove up to McCloud Restaurant for an early birthday celebration yesterday. We all had a great time and enjoyed the company. It was really cloudy and cold when we first arrived, but after we had lunch it started to clear up and the sun started to shine, so that was pretty perfect!!

Courtney and I kind of went crazy with buying movie tickets from Half Off Depot and Groupon...so I think we will be seeing lots of movies these next few months :) What can I say? I can't pass up a good deal!! Anywayyyy....we are driving down to GA to visit some friends Friday evening & then we are going to the ATL Pride Parade Sunday afternoon (I've never been to any pride event, ever, so this should be entertaining). I think having the weekend to look forward to will help keep my brain occupied :)

I guess that's really all for now...keep your fingers and toes crossed that we will be sane enough to make it through this TWW effortlessly!!

OH YEAH!!! Fence Pictures!!!!

SO incredibly happy with the finished product!! It looks GREAT & Charlie loves not having to be on her leash to go outside every single time...she can run so fast! I feel safer with the finished fence and gates and no holes. It is such a relief...now we just have to pay off the Home Depot card within 24 months to avoid paying interest :)

Ok now, that's all!

Lots of Excitement

There is lots of excitement at the Brazelton house this week!!

Court became a licensed resident of the beautiful state of TN today, we had materials delivered this morning for the new fence that should be installed on Wednesday or Thursday, Presidential Debates start Wednesday (I'm officially old), and the insemination is scheduled for Saturday (unless this fertilitea bumps that up), we also have a Subaru service appointment - this is probably going to be our favorite, because I told Courtney we could test drive some cars (just for fun Mom!!) and drive down to Puppy Zone to play while we wait (again just for fun Mom!!).

We are also Fallsifying (see what I did there?) the house with crafts found on the amazing Pinterest. We each made cute little wreaths, we have some letters to finish painting, there is going to be a scaryish scene set up out front, and spider webs...Courtney loves spider webs -not the real ones- on the mail box.

The leaves are beginning to change and there is a cool crisp feeling in the air...I LOVE it. I don't remember this part last year, I think it went from Summer to Winter. No nice transition. One of the best things about TN is the 4 full seasons...usually...& the colors! Oh the colors of fall, they are going to be great this year!!

A friend of mine, who is an awesome photographer, recently asked if Courtney & I would mind helping fill out her portfolio...duh, of course not!! Everyone is just a tiny bit vain, and likes to have their photos taken every now and then :) &&& She is going to give us the full disk for FREE. She wants to have some same-sex engagement photos, and here we are a couple of girls who so happen to be engaged, and we are just pretty cute so it all works out. It gave us an excuse to go buy a couple matchy shirts and figure out some coordinating outfits...we are excited about it all!! I am pretty honored she asked us to help her out. We have been thinking about hiring someone for a while to take some pictures of us because the only ones we really have are at an arms distance. Nothing fancy. Now we will have something to put in all the empty frames I have hanging out at the house :)

I think that is all I have for now....Next post should be some before/after shots of our fence! Hooray :)

FertiliTea & Allergies

Hidy all!

Has anyone ever tried this fertilitea stuff? It is meant to give a boost to the whole reproductive system. I ordered some and have started to drink it pretty regularly, it is really tasty and best if you can drink it hot. It makes these chilly East TN mornings feel better :)

I have absolutely no clue if the fertilitea had anything to do with this or not, but I did start a day or two earlier than I expected. I assume ovulation will be a day or two earlier too...this is all well and good...just a day or two early makes ovulation day MONDAY. Only the worst day ever when you are using shipped sperm from your KD. Of course, of course this would be our luck!! It's ok, maybe my ovulation will move up the full two days & actually happen on Sunday, that would be perfect for our new Saturday delivery!!

Rolling with the punches. That's what we are learning how to do...I'm excited to be close to trying again after our forced break. For now I am CD2...and the only complaint in my life is stinking allergies. Knoxville has the worst allergies...especially Fall allergies :( Oh well I'll deal.

We are moving forward on having our new fence built!! I am so so excited about that... I'll definitely post some before/afters of that because you all need to see what we have been living with for a while. My neighbors are going to be so happy!

Speaking of before/afters...does anyone remember when we ripped up carpet to lay bamboo floors in our bedroom?? Well here is that difference... 

   

It looks and feels AMAZING!! 

Um, other than sharing that the October Cycle is finally upon us, allergies are miserable, and showing off our new floors...I think that's it. I hope everyone out there is enjoying the cooler weather and hopefully you guys get to see some of the same colors I'm sure East TN will have to offer us pretty soon!

Mission Aborted

Well we had some miscommunications with our KD...& he wasn't in cell phone service range to get the message it was time to ship! So my intuitions were right that it wasn't going to work this month...I'm glad he didn't ship them late & just throw that money down the drain.

Now we will plan better for next month!! & I have a really good feeling about it working in October, plus my ovulation should be during the week not on a Sunday. All around better.

Ok now we wait...some more :)

& You Thought I Disappeared!

Hello blogland!! Have no fear, I am back!! I know that two weeks was torture without me, but I needed it :) I stepped back from obsessing for the two weeks between bleeding and ovulating to recollect my brain. Speaking of bleeding, that 3 day late period was awful. It was the heaviest period I have had in quite a long time...the cramps were miserable and I was sure I was going to bleed to death. Not fun, but its done & now here we are. Don't worry I still stalked you guys and I still checked in on Baby Center, I just wasn't obsessing. It was nice.

Tonight the TN Valley Fair starts and I work every day of it to make some extra money. I love it...well in past years it wasn't so great because of one lady I had to work with, but I am working at a different area this year and I am really excited!! It is 10 days...10 very long days, I will still be working my normal job...so in total I will put in about 108 hours...in 10 days. Did I mention that? That's a lot. I enjoy the atmosphere and the many different people I will get to meet. It is generally easy work, the best part of all is that it will keep my mind busy for most of the TWW we have coming up :)

Yep. I said it. We are going to try again this month!! I honestly thought we wouldn't be able to swing it, but I had DonorHomeDelivery.com send Stacey a kit last week so he would be familiar with the protocol and ready to go when we needed him to be. Well I am right on track to be ovulating in the next day or two, so we will have him overnight the swimmers to us this evening & use them tomorrow afternoon. At least the timing will be closer this go around. Instead of the last insem. being three days prior to ovulation, this one should be the day before.

I know it is bad to say, but I already think this month isn't going to work. I have a feeling October will be our month...but that isn't stopping us from trying of course!! I have this mindset that we will have pretty perfect timing and things will work out fine for the insemination...it just won't work this month. Is that weird? Has anyone ever experienced that before? I am already mentally prepared for it not to work. I think this mindset is really going to prove to be a blessing. I won't want to search any 'symptoms' or be worried about my temps (I will still temp of course because its habit now). I am ready to go into this one completely stress free and completely prepared to start again from scratch in October!

Alrighty. In 10 days I may be able to update again, that is if I'm not in a sleepcoma!